Lesson 5: Connectedness: managing your heart

To manage your heart is to manage your place in the community of fellow humans with whom you live out your life. Today we'll learn how to strengthen connections with your community, including becoming assertive and dealing with difficult people.


Learning to be assertive

Now you know that, in order to develop your newfound sense of autonomy, you'll need to identify and then bolster good habits in the public behaviors of problem solving and action. The major element of this LifePACT principle is dealing with bad forms of procrastination in a productive rather than a destructive manner. No matter what your reasons for procrastinating, by approaching tasks systematically and with reasonable goals, you'll be able to find significant relief from this stressor.


You were also introduced to connectedness, which is the third LifePACT principle. Managing stress through quality relationships with supportive people you enjoy spending time with is an extremely powerful tool. In this lesson, we'll learn how to deal with difficult people and build a network of intimate connections and healthy relationships. But first, let's take a look at becoming assertive -- without being overly aggressive or defensive.


Identifying non-assertive tendencies

If reaching out to others is difficult for you, it may be because you're not being assertive enough. So let's begin our discussion of connectedness by looking at an example of non-assertiveness that most of us can relate to:

The elaborate dinner Stacie made for herself and Carlos has grown cold. Instead of being home at 7:00 as promised, Carlos has finally arrived at 10:30 -- the third time in two weeks that he has gotten home from work late. It's also the third time he has failed to let her know that he would be delayed. Stacie feels hurt and angry as she reheats the dinner and prepares the table. But she bottles it all up inside, thinking, "I should complain, but I don't want him to feel I'm being petty."

Sound familiar?


Reaching out to others

Assertiveness is the quiet, purposeful expression of your feelings without being aggressive or defensive and in a manner and tone so as to indicate that you are not about to be manipulated, bullied, or cajoled. Instead of labeling other individuals or attacking their opinions, assertive people rationally express all of the feelings that need to be expressed. In other words, they avoid accumulating, or "bottling up," inner tensions.

Opportunities are lost when people bottle up their emotions, and unpleasant situations soon become intolerable. In time, bad feelings can build to a point where one more event can trigger an explosion of resentment that in turn provokes criticism or rejection. Research has shown that most people can be assertive in some situations while being ineffectual in others. Becoming assertive on a full-time basis entails a long learning process. Therefore, you can learn to become as assertive as you wish, depending upon the time and effort that you are willing to invest in acquiring the necessary skills.


Here are some tips for helping you improve your assertiveness:

Keep track of your assertiveness: Keep a log or diary for a week. Record each day those situations in which you found yourself responding assertively, those in which you "blew it," and those you avoided altogether so that you would not have to feel uncomfortable. This will not only help you identify patterns in your behavior but also help chart your progress as an assertive being.


Set realistic goals: Be conservative in the goals you set. Especially in the beginning, you'll need a lot of reinforcement to maintain efforts to improve your interpersonal skills. So be sure to start with a small, low-risk step to maximize your chances of success.

Rehearse before you act: If possible, think about how you plan to handle a particular situation before actually entering that situation. To do this, spend a few minutes getting yourself calm. Then, as vividly as you can, imagine yourself going through the steps of dealing with the person with whom you wish to be assertive. Include in your fantasy the feelings of tension and nervousness that are likely, as well as the thoughts that you will probably have. Follow the image all the way up to the point where you feel good about having handled the person so effectively.

Reach out: Make it a point, as you go through your day, of expressing warm and friendly feelings to the people that you encounter. People trying to improve their interpersonal effectiveness often overlook this highly assertive behavior. A hug, a compliment, a warm, firm handshake conveys to people the message, "You mean a great deal to me at this moment."

Anticipate reactions: Your new patterns of assertiveness and confidence may be upsetting to people who are accustomed to a more passive you. When this happens, it sometimes is helpful to recreate in your mind the exchange that the other person took as offensive. Perhaps in your attempt to be assertive, you went into the aggressive end of behavior. This is not at all uncommon, so don't be dismayed by this. You may even realize that you're experiencing another's surprised reaction to the newly confident you!

Take care of yourself: Become an advocate for yourself. Don't put up with putting yourself down. The human machine works best when uncluttered with negative material. It's OK to be a fair judge of your own behavior, but don't go overboard in the process. Start catching yourself when you engage in self-put-down behavior. Replace these messages immediately with positive, self-confident ones.

Expect lapses: Don't get discouraged if, after a few weeks of doing well, you find yourself slipping into some of your old habits again. That is pretty typical of most people learning any new skill. Simply learn what you can from these slips and get back on the program.
By developing a proactive and assertive self you'll be able to create and foster a supportive social network. As we'll see in the next section, assertiveness can help you deal with difficult people while also furthering intimate connections

Assertiveness training information

The Internet is a handy weapon on your quest to becoming an assertive but sociable individual. Psychology Information Online (http://psychologyinfo.com/treatment/assertiveness.html) is a font of information. Also, try the archive for assertiveness training information at Selfgrowth.com (http://www.selfgrowth.com/assert.html)


Dealing with difficult people and building intimate connections

There is a dark side of interpersonal relationships as well. While people can be supportive and nurturing, they can also be difficult and draining. These difficult people are everywhere. Any occupation or activity that involves interacting with a group has the potential to lead to interpersonal stress.

A difficult person is anyone who evokes in you a negative emotion such as anger, guilt, sadness, or anxiety. The problem needing to be fixed is a negative emotion, which has been evoked by a gap between how we want things to be and how they actually are. The goal is to alleviate the negative feeling by closing the gap between what we want and what we have.

One way to do this is to adjust our expectations so that they are more in line with what we are experiencing. Another approach is to accept the negative feelings and move on to someone or something else. A third, but less effective, option is to try to change the behavior of the other person so they begin to behave like we would like them to behave.

Skillfulness in dealing with the difficult is a seamless meshing of the private victory of self-management and the public victory of effectively relating to others. Here are some tips on dealing with difficult people:


Keep difficult people in perspective: Don't dignify their behavior by taking them too seriously. Their offensive behavior is their problem, not yours. Don't allow them to ruin your mood.

Don't expect them to change: They usually won't. In a way, that's good. Because they are more predictable, you can plan ahead and prepare your tactics for the next time you meet.

Respond as well as listen: Come forward and state that you feel upset, annoyed, or enraged. No one can read your mind. Sometimes the offense is unintentional and easily resolved.

Manage yourself first: Take control of yourself if you find your feelings getting too intense. Go somewhere to vent your feelings and cool off. Think about the result you want. That will help you let go of the hurt.

Stay calm and unemotional: Be straightforward and matter-of-fact. The more you do this, the more respect you'll gain. Don't continue a conversation with anyone who refuses to give you the courtesy you deserve. Remember that you have options, such as asking for politeness or leaving the room.

Be gracious: Someone else's rudeness doesn't give you the right to be rude. You can turn a bad situation to your advantage by disarming the offenders with the kind of kindness you'd like to be shown and allowing others to feel important.

Give and request feedback: Don't stew about what someone else is thinking -- ask. Use open-ended questions to let emotional people vent their feelings before you try to reason with them. When you link your objectives with another's wants, you both will win something.

Be patient with yourself: Let your goal be to become a human relations expert. Look at each exchange, whether good or bad, as a new lesson in your course on how to deal with others. Distance yourself from the fray in highly charged situations and marvel at the fascinating complexity and variety of human behavior.

Become a role model: Let your day-to-day behavior be an example to others of the value and power of assertive respect and dignity in interpersonal dealings. Others will grow to admire, respect, and recognize you for the personal power you possess.

Although becoming an assertive social being is not an easy task, always remember that you have an entire lifetime in which you can continue to improve. Next, let's see how we can begin to build intimate connections with others.


Intimate connections

Perhaps the most important connection you will make is with a life partner. What follows are several characteristics common to most good intimate relationships:

• Both partners feel they are getting most of what they want from the relationship.
• Both partners are productive in ways that are important to them as individuals. Some experience individual productiveness through professional careers or hobbies. Others experience it by being in charge of the home and family.
• Both partners are comfortable about sharing their satisfactions with one another, now as well as in times to come.
• Both partners are comfortable about sharing the tasks and trials that are unpleasant to the other.
• Both partners get satisfaction from being supportive to each other.
• Both partners have the ability and willingness to adapt to the never-ending changes and circumstances that affect the relationship.
  

Now that we know what to look for in a supportive, loving and truly intimate relationship, let's see how we can begin to nurture a healthy network of friends and family.


Fostering healthy relationships

A rewarding relationship doesn't just happen. It requires skill and commitment. Merely staying together won't strengthen your feelings for each other. It requires daily effort. The following tips have proven to assist other couples:

• Encourage each other often: Make it a practice to encourage your partner daily. Nobody ever gets enough positive feedback. It seems simple, but the most common complaint among couples is that each is not appreciated by the other. In lasting relationships, partners make an effort to value and encourage one another.
• Communicate openly and honestly: Be open and willing to share your thoughts and feelings, as well as to listen to your partner. Since sharing is more appropriate at certain times than others, sometimes it is wise to postpone a discussion.
• Deal with conflict: Life involves conflict. In healthy relationships, couples can manage and respond to conflict in effective ways. Believe that you can work out your problems together. Then invest the time and do it.
• Develop the courage to be imperfect: Be willing to apologize. The forgiveness process should not dwell on the past but focus on "Where do we go from here?"
• Support each other fully: Provide consistent and dependable support. Learn to suspend judgment and provide encouragement even when your partner's goals temporarily conflict with your best interests.
• Develop regular times for fun each week: Schedule time to be alone with each other. Fun should be a weekly, even a daily, activity.
• Manage your relationship: Hold partners' meetings. Prepare a short agenda of things you want to discuss. This can range from decisions that have to be made, plans that have to be confirmed, or anything that may be bothering either one of you. Renegotiate agreements around partner issues that may have unraveled or for which circumstances have changed.
• Develop shared dreams, goals, and interests: Shared dreams and interests provide opportunity for conversation and mutual enjoyment. Couples with shared goals are less disturbed by minor or major crises.
• Be self-accepting: The more you accept yourself, the more you will accept your partner. Mutual self-acceptance promotes both personal growth and growth of the relationship.
• Adopt realistic expectations: Society fosters unrealistic, romantic expectations of relationships. Even in the best relationships some dreams and expectations go unfulfilled. Always be honest and realistic with yourself when assessing relationships.
• Protect your investment: Think of your relationship as a highly valued enterprise. Nurture a relationship by giving it the time and attention it needs to grow. Since there's so much at stake, also be willing to repair it when it needs fixing.
  

Supportive relationships are created. They don't just happen. They take effort and compromise.

How to build your social network

Here are three steps you can take to achieve rewarding connections with others:

The first step: learning to like yourself

Stop abusing and neglecting yourself and start treating yourself in a more loving and responsible way. Make a commitment to get creatively and productively involved in life. Give up the habit of putting yourself down and learn to think about yourself in a more realistic and compassionate manner. Get rid of certain self-defeating attitudes and develop a healthier and more positive personal value system. Look attractive. Make yourself look terrific. Think attractive. Think about yourself in a positive way. Stop saying, "I can't."

The second step: getting organized

Think of things you used to enjoy doing in the past. Why don't you do them now? Do something you've been putting off doing, such as balancing your checkbook, writing letters, etc. Do something for self-improvement, such as dieting, jogging, or exercising. Develop a talent or skill. Start a hobby. When you begin thinking along these lines, you'll realize that your options are endless.
But don't wait until you feel like it before acting. Make a schedule of what you want to do and keep to it. This will give you things to look forward to and counteract the tendency to sit around and feel bad.

The third step: reaching out

Do something for others. Get involved in charitable activities or volunteer work. Think of people in your neighborhood who are lonely, ill, or troubled and then do something for them.

Moving forward

Connectedness is the skill of managing your heart. To manage your heart is to manage your place in the community of fellow human beings with whom you live your life. The first step in this learning process is to become assertive. By reaching out to others, you'll not only be able to deal with difficult people, but you'll also be able to build quality relationships as well.
Anything unfamiliar to you will seem awkward and unnatural at first. Overcome the tendency to avoid risk-taking in initiating social contacts and go where all the people are. Practice smiling. During the next week, smile at a minimum of three strangers a day. Practice saying hello. Once you're comfortable with smiling at strangers, start saying hello to them. Begin by smiling and saying hello to three strangers every day for the first week. Give compliments. To begin with, give ten compliments in the first week.

In Lesson 6 we'll see that, in addition to the above, you'll be able to deal with the physical aspects of stress by toning your body.

Barriers to successful relationships To move toward better relationships, partners must imagine and specifically define what the new and happier relationship will be like before acting. There are many barriers to completing this process, including pride, anxiety about -- and an inherent resistance to -- change, and a simple lack of skill in creating desired relationships. Which barriers are hindering you? How might assertiveness help you eliminate these barriers from your life?

Lesson 4: Autonomy: managing your hands

This lesson takes a closer look at the major element of autonomy -- identifying and then dealing with procrastination. Then we'll introduce the third LifePACT principle: connectedness, the skill of managing your heart.


Putting autonomy into practice


In the previous lesson we learned that our habits fall into one of two categories, public or private. We learned that perspective is the LifePACT principle of managing stress by directing your private habits of thought and expectation. We were also introduced to the second LifePACT principle: Autonomy, which concerns developing habits in the public behaviors of problem solving and action.

As we saw at the end of Lesson 2, Jake only exacerbated his stress. If he had perspective and practiced autonomy, he would have known that competent problem-solving begins with being able to distinguish between things that can be fixed and things that cannot be fixed. Before discussing connectedness, the third LifePACT principle, let's take a closer look at the major element of autonomy -- identifying and then dealing with procrastination.


Procrastination

Procrastination is the habit of putting off until later something that could be done now. It is a form of poor problem solving that can lead to needless stress. According to noted time-management expert David Allen, unfinished tasks are stressful because they lead to mind clutter. When you tell yourself you ought to do something and then don't do it, you don't quit thinking about it. The task that you haven't performed occupies your attention like the remains of a smashed grasshopper on your windshield.

Soon you feel overwhelmed, depressed, and discouraged. But, because the things you postpone accumulate, besides these emotional consequences there are a number of practical ones as well. Procrastination can eventually lead to a number of problems with friends, employers, spouses, and others.

The causes of procrastination are varied. For some people it may be the pressures of a difficult schedule. For others it may be an aversion to mundane or boring tasks. Here are some of the more common reasons people procrastinate:

Depression: When you are depressed, any activity will seem pointless. In the extreme, you may come to the conclusion that nothing you do will ever be able to make you feel better.

Overload: You can overload yourself into not wanting to do anything. You may assume you have to do everything at once, or you may assume that you have to carry out a huge task to completion before stopping.

The "I can't" habit: You automatically assume that you are incapable of performing some task. So, as soon as the thought of doing it comes to mind, you quickly snuff it out with "I can't" or "I would, but . . . I just can't."

Self-labeling: If you've been procrastinating for a while, you may have accepted the label "lazy" or "procrastinator." This leads to expecting little of yourself and serves to justify old patterns.

No payoff: You may procrastinate not because the task is hard but because you simply don't feel the reward is worth the work.

Perfectionism: You put off doing things because you have goals and expectations that won't let you settle for anything less than a magnificent performance.

Fear of failure: You imagine that putting in the effort and not succeeding would be an overwhelming personal defeat, so you refuse to try at all.

Fear of success: You feel that your accomplishments will raise expectations that you can't meet, or you fear that people will make greater demands on you, which you then must meet.

Fear of disapproval: You fear that a mistake or flub will provoke criticism from others. You can also fear rejection when asserting yourself in a stressful situation.

Coercion resentment: You feel intense pressure from within and without to perform. Thoughts of "should" and "must" and "have no other choice but to" only make you feel obliged, resentful, and tense.

Low frustration tolerance: You assume that life and reaching your goals should be easy. You react against the "unfairness" of things being difficult or unpleasant by giving up or not taking on tasks.

Guilt and self-blame: You are frozen in the conviction that you are bad or have let others down. This leads to not feeling motivated or wanting to do anything.
Next, let's learn how we can stop procrastination.


Rehearsing to avoid negative reactions

When overwhelmed by emotion, we have an overpowering urge to do something immediately. But every time you tackle a problem impulsively, you set yourself up for needless stress. In this lesson's assignment, you'll learn a method to stop the upsetting effects of impulsive behavior by taking a "time out" to formulate healthy responses to stressful situations

A step in the right direction

When stressed, you will put off the things that you know you should do -- and then it's too late when a crisis happens and you're not prepared. Protect yourself with easy-to-purchase services from HP


How to stop procrastination

If there is something that you've thought about needing to do but haven't done yet, chances are that it's eating at you. You've got to get that item off your mind. Since procrastination is a habit, it can be changed like any other habit. By approaching tasks systematically and with reasonable goals, most people can expect to find significant relief from their looming problems. The following tips will also help you achieve this goal:

Positive payoff method: "What do I really enjoy doing?" The answer might be talking to a friend, reading the paper, or listening to music. After selecting this enjoyment, make a contract with yourself to keep doing the postponed project a minimum number of times or length of time each day. Only reward yourself with the enjoyable thing after you have worked on the project. No excuses.

Set time method: Setting a precise time for doing something can help a lot. For example, forcing yourself to exercise first thing in the morning could result in a habitual routine of exercise.

Visualization method: Go anywhere to be alone. Close your eyes, completely relax, and put all distracting thoughts out of your mind. When you're fully relaxed, think of completing a task that you have been postponing. Try to visualize in every detail the carrying out of that task.

Friendly partner method: Enlist the help of another person to assist you. If you find studying difficult, join a friend who doesn't have an aversion to studying. By associating with someone who, simply by completing the task, is a good example, you will be more likely to tackle an unpleasant task.

Billboards method: This method requires posting little reminders around your office or home to keep the idea of doing something on your mind. For example, "DOING GETS IT DONE" or "DO IT NOW."

Public commitment: Any task has a greater chance of being completed when you formally commit yourself to doing it. You will be more likely to work on losing 10 pounds, quitting smoking, or writing a book if you make a promise to do it to a friend, a spouse, an employer, or someone else you respect and trust.

The five-minute plan: In the five-minute plan, you agree to start a project and to stay with it for at least five minutes. At the end of that time period, you ask yourself whether you will continue for another five minutes. You don't have to work beyond the original time period, but once the inertia builds you may find yourself wanting to.

Greedy partner method: This is a variation of the friendly partner method. In this instance, you contract with a friend to call you any time during a prescribed interval. If at the time of the call you are not doing a specified task, your friend wins lunch or some other prize.


Good procrastination?

A popular misconception about procrastination is the belief that all forms of procrastination are bad. But the only kind of procrastination that is problematic is the kind that has negative consequences. There are some situations in which procrastination is a good idea, including the following:

Energy shortage: You're too tired or overextended. If you went ahead with a task under such conditions, you'd probably use bad judgment, make a poor decision, or simply end up having to do the job all over again. Acknowledge your limits and take time out when you are frazzled.

Knowledge shortage: You don't have enough information to start or finish a project. Going ahead without it could mean wasted effort in the wrong direction, such as filling out your tax return for a fast refund without having all the documentation you need.

Trigger-happiness: You have a tendency to act impulsively. If you're angry with your boss and you really want to go in and argue with her, putting off a meeting for a few days will give you time to cool down and avoid a potentially self-destructive encounter. Similarly, if someone asks you to do something for him and you always say, "Sure," without evaluating whether you can or want to do it, tell the person, "Let me check my calendar and call you back." Putting off an immediate answer can save you from stress later.

Subconscious avoidance: You find that you consistently put off action in a specific situation. Your delay may be a subconscious signal to "rethink" your involvement. If you're putting off sending a job application, you may not really want the job. Or if you don't want to call a boyfriend or girlfriend after repeated messages from him or her, maybe you're ambivalent about pursuing the relationship. Asking yourself, "Is this what I really want to do?" can help if the required action just doesn't feel "right."


Always remember that autonomy is the principle of managing the stress in your life by sizing up the problems that come your way, fixing those problems that you can fix, and accepting the problems that you cannot. If you are frequently not getting what you want in life, it may not be that you aren't trying or aren't doing the right things. It could be that the battles you're waging are not winnable.


Be honest with yourself

It sometimes takes a lot of frank honesty for an individual to distinguish between problematic procrastination and healthy postponement. One way of determining whether or not you have a valid reason for putting something off is to take a piece of paper and list the advantages and disadvantages of doing the pending task immediately. The longer of the two lists will be an objective basis for taking the proper action.


Introducing the third LifePACT principle

In a Psychology Today editorial, Robert Epstein tells about a treasure hidden in a beat-up walnut desk in the Old Executive Office Building in Washington, DC. Nicks and gouges are clearly visible despite several heavy coats of lacquer. But it deserves to look worn out. For years it served a succession of American presidents and vice presidents. That fact alone makes it worthy of respect.

However, for those who take the time to look beyond the external flaws of this venerable old piece of furniture, a quaint secret awaits discovery. In the softwood of the main drawer are the signatures of all the officials who have ever sat at the desk, including Harry Truman, Richard Nixon, Al Gore, and Hubert Humphrey. Imperfect on the outside, this worn out desk is a lot like the people in our lives. After taking the time to look more closely, you'll be able to find something unique inside.

Connectedness is the LifePACT principle of managing stress through quality relationships with other people. Supportive relationships with others reveal the treasures hidden in them. More importantly, relationships with others will reveal the many treasures that are hidden within you.

People need people

You benefit in many ways from social contact. Other people act as support while you unload the baggage of hurts and distress. Many times all you need is a sympathetic ear. By hearing yourself speak, you'll gain a new perspective. Frustrations and fears seem less intimidating when they have been aired in the presence of another person. Support from others emboldens you to confront situations that you might otherwise avoid.

People who have a number of contacts and an effective support network usually do best with change and challenges. There are relatively few things in life that you need to go through alone. Reach out to others in times of uncertainty and stress. People can help by being a resource for relevant information, emotional support, perspective, distraction, fun, and alternative solutions.
Different people can meet different needs. Family, friends and co-workers are all able to meet different needs, but no one person can meet them all. Building supportive relationships means spending more time with friends you want to know better and letting them know increasingly more intimate things about yourself -- your likes and dislikes, your fears and goals, etc.

Connectedness also means disclosing increasingly more personal information when you sense that the other person is willing to do so as well. Finally, building supportive relationships means that you, too, provide a supportive ear. True support is built on a foundation of active listening and mutual self-disclosure.

If you don't have a network of people who can meet these needs, it may be because you have difficulty in reaching out for help. You may believe that you will be considered weak or dumb if you don't do everything on your own. An attitude of rugged individualism may have worked for you in the past, but it's out of date in this age of interdependence. The image of the fearless entrepreneur who faces impossible odds in a solitary quest for success is a myth. Talk to successful business owners and they will tell you there are no self-made millionaires. Nobody succeeds without the assistance of mentors, advisors, and supporters.


Moving forward

Autonomy solves problems by helping you distinguish between things that can be fixed and those things that are out of your control. Procrastination, on the other hand, is a form of poor problem solving. By procrastinating for no good reason, you are only postponing the inevitable. In fact, you may be exacerbating an already stressful situation. It not only can make you feel overwhelmed and depressed and discouraged, but it can also lead to any number of problems with the people in your life. But, since procrastination is a habit, it can be changed like any other habit. As we learned in this lesson, most people can expect to find significant relief from procrastination by approaching problems and tasks both systematically and with reasonable goals.

You also learned about connectedness, which is the third LifePACT principle. Connectedness is the skill of managing your heart. To manage your heart is to manage your place in the community of fellow humans with whom you live out your life. In Lesson 5, we'll see how to build quality relationships with other people.


Evaluating your social network

Take stock of your social network by making several lists. Who do you see when you have a problem? When you want to socialize or be challenged? Who do you go to when you want acceptance and approval or good advice? When you want to learn something new, feel better about yourself, or simply to learn what's going on? Does one of these lists look skimpier than the others? How can this be rectified?


Autonomy: managing your hands assignment

Assignments are designed to help you apply the information learned in the lessons.


Rehearsing to avoid negative reactions

It is not easy to work on the bad habit of reacting impulsively to stressful situations. When you are overwhelmed by emotion, there is an overpowering urge to do something immediately. But every time you tackle a problem in this way, you're setting yourself up for needless stress. Here's a good way to put a stop to this kind of impulsive behavior: in moments when you are not particularly upset, rehearse how you want to behave when you are upset.


To do this, take a "time out" and finish each of these three statements: When I _____ , to avoid _____ , I will _____ .


Let's give it a try by applying these statements to the following episode: Barbara has the bad habit of binge eating whenever she is having conflicts with her boyfriend.

How would you help her finish each of these three statements?

1. When I am having a conflict with my partner, I start to feel sad and upset and sorry for myself, and I begin thinking, "What's the use, I owe it to myself to indulge myself a little . . ."

2. To avoid eating until I make myself sick, then feeling guilty and even worse than I did before I started eating, and gaining extra pounds which are hard to lose, I'll . . .

3. I will ask my partner, as soon as I notice we are arguing, to help us not fight. If he doesn't agree, then I will . . .