Lesson 4: Autonomy: managing your hands

This lesson takes a closer look at the major element of autonomy -- identifying and then dealing with procrastination. Then we'll introduce the third LifePACT principle: connectedness, the skill of managing your heart.


Putting autonomy into practice


In the previous lesson we learned that our habits fall into one of two categories, public or private. We learned that perspective is the LifePACT principle of managing stress by directing your private habits of thought and expectation. We were also introduced to the second LifePACT principle: Autonomy, which concerns developing habits in the public behaviors of problem solving and action.

As we saw at the end of Lesson 2, Jake only exacerbated his stress. If he had perspective and practiced autonomy, he would have known that competent problem-solving begins with being able to distinguish between things that can be fixed and things that cannot be fixed. Before discussing connectedness, the third LifePACT principle, let's take a closer look at the major element of autonomy -- identifying and then dealing with procrastination.


Procrastination

Procrastination is the habit of putting off until later something that could be done now. It is a form of poor problem solving that can lead to needless stress. According to noted time-management expert David Allen, unfinished tasks are stressful because they lead to mind clutter. When you tell yourself you ought to do something and then don't do it, you don't quit thinking about it. The task that you haven't performed occupies your attention like the remains of a smashed grasshopper on your windshield.

Soon you feel overwhelmed, depressed, and discouraged. But, because the things you postpone accumulate, besides these emotional consequences there are a number of practical ones as well. Procrastination can eventually lead to a number of problems with friends, employers, spouses, and others.

The causes of procrastination are varied. For some people it may be the pressures of a difficult schedule. For others it may be an aversion to mundane or boring tasks. Here are some of the more common reasons people procrastinate:

Depression: When you are depressed, any activity will seem pointless. In the extreme, you may come to the conclusion that nothing you do will ever be able to make you feel better.

Overload: You can overload yourself into not wanting to do anything. You may assume you have to do everything at once, or you may assume that you have to carry out a huge task to completion before stopping.

The "I can't" habit: You automatically assume that you are incapable of performing some task. So, as soon as the thought of doing it comes to mind, you quickly snuff it out with "I can't" or "I would, but . . . I just can't."

Self-labeling: If you've been procrastinating for a while, you may have accepted the label "lazy" or "procrastinator." This leads to expecting little of yourself and serves to justify old patterns.

No payoff: You may procrastinate not because the task is hard but because you simply don't feel the reward is worth the work.

Perfectionism: You put off doing things because you have goals and expectations that won't let you settle for anything less than a magnificent performance.

Fear of failure: You imagine that putting in the effort and not succeeding would be an overwhelming personal defeat, so you refuse to try at all.

Fear of success: You feel that your accomplishments will raise expectations that you can't meet, or you fear that people will make greater demands on you, which you then must meet.

Fear of disapproval: You fear that a mistake or flub will provoke criticism from others. You can also fear rejection when asserting yourself in a stressful situation.

Coercion resentment: You feel intense pressure from within and without to perform. Thoughts of "should" and "must" and "have no other choice but to" only make you feel obliged, resentful, and tense.

Low frustration tolerance: You assume that life and reaching your goals should be easy. You react against the "unfairness" of things being difficult or unpleasant by giving up or not taking on tasks.

Guilt and self-blame: You are frozen in the conviction that you are bad or have let others down. This leads to not feeling motivated or wanting to do anything.
Next, let's learn how we can stop procrastination.


Rehearsing to avoid negative reactions

When overwhelmed by emotion, we have an overpowering urge to do something immediately. But every time you tackle a problem impulsively, you set yourself up for needless stress. In this lesson's assignment, you'll learn a method to stop the upsetting effects of impulsive behavior by taking a "time out" to formulate healthy responses to stressful situations

A step in the right direction

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How to stop procrastination

If there is something that you've thought about needing to do but haven't done yet, chances are that it's eating at you. You've got to get that item off your mind. Since procrastination is a habit, it can be changed like any other habit. By approaching tasks systematically and with reasonable goals, most people can expect to find significant relief from their looming problems. The following tips will also help you achieve this goal:

Positive payoff method: "What do I really enjoy doing?" The answer might be talking to a friend, reading the paper, or listening to music. After selecting this enjoyment, make a contract with yourself to keep doing the postponed project a minimum number of times or length of time each day. Only reward yourself with the enjoyable thing after you have worked on the project. No excuses.

Set time method: Setting a precise time for doing something can help a lot. For example, forcing yourself to exercise first thing in the morning could result in a habitual routine of exercise.

Visualization method: Go anywhere to be alone. Close your eyes, completely relax, and put all distracting thoughts out of your mind. When you're fully relaxed, think of completing a task that you have been postponing. Try to visualize in every detail the carrying out of that task.

Friendly partner method: Enlist the help of another person to assist you. If you find studying difficult, join a friend who doesn't have an aversion to studying. By associating with someone who, simply by completing the task, is a good example, you will be more likely to tackle an unpleasant task.

Billboards method: This method requires posting little reminders around your office or home to keep the idea of doing something on your mind. For example, "DOING GETS IT DONE" or "DO IT NOW."

Public commitment: Any task has a greater chance of being completed when you formally commit yourself to doing it. You will be more likely to work on losing 10 pounds, quitting smoking, or writing a book if you make a promise to do it to a friend, a spouse, an employer, or someone else you respect and trust.

The five-minute plan: In the five-minute plan, you agree to start a project and to stay with it for at least five minutes. At the end of that time period, you ask yourself whether you will continue for another five minutes. You don't have to work beyond the original time period, but once the inertia builds you may find yourself wanting to.

Greedy partner method: This is a variation of the friendly partner method. In this instance, you contract with a friend to call you any time during a prescribed interval. If at the time of the call you are not doing a specified task, your friend wins lunch or some other prize.


Good procrastination?

A popular misconception about procrastination is the belief that all forms of procrastination are bad. But the only kind of procrastination that is problematic is the kind that has negative consequences. There are some situations in which procrastination is a good idea, including the following:

Energy shortage: You're too tired or overextended. If you went ahead with a task under such conditions, you'd probably use bad judgment, make a poor decision, or simply end up having to do the job all over again. Acknowledge your limits and take time out when you are frazzled.

Knowledge shortage: You don't have enough information to start or finish a project. Going ahead without it could mean wasted effort in the wrong direction, such as filling out your tax return for a fast refund without having all the documentation you need.

Trigger-happiness: You have a tendency to act impulsively. If you're angry with your boss and you really want to go in and argue with her, putting off a meeting for a few days will give you time to cool down and avoid a potentially self-destructive encounter. Similarly, if someone asks you to do something for him and you always say, "Sure," without evaluating whether you can or want to do it, tell the person, "Let me check my calendar and call you back." Putting off an immediate answer can save you from stress later.

Subconscious avoidance: You find that you consistently put off action in a specific situation. Your delay may be a subconscious signal to "rethink" your involvement. If you're putting off sending a job application, you may not really want the job. Or if you don't want to call a boyfriend or girlfriend after repeated messages from him or her, maybe you're ambivalent about pursuing the relationship. Asking yourself, "Is this what I really want to do?" can help if the required action just doesn't feel "right."


Always remember that autonomy is the principle of managing the stress in your life by sizing up the problems that come your way, fixing those problems that you can fix, and accepting the problems that you cannot. If you are frequently not getting what you want in life, it may not be that you aren't trying or aren't doing the right things. It could be that the battles you're waging are not winnable.


Be honest with yourself

It sometimes takes a lot of frank honesty for an individual to distinguish between problematic procrastination and healthy postponement. One way of determining whether or not you have a valid reason for putting something off is to take a piece of paper and list the advantages and disadvantages of doing the pending task immediately. The longer of the two lists will be an objective basis for taking the proper action.


Introducing the third LifePACT principle

In a Psychology Today editorial, Robert Epstein tells about a treasure hidden in a beat-up walnut desk in the Old Executive Office Building in Washington, DC. Nicks and gouges are clearly visible despite several heavy coats of lacquer. But it deserves to look worn out. For years it served a succession of American presidents and vice presidents. That fact alone makes it worthy of respect.

However, for those who take the time to look beyond the external flaws of this venerable old piece of furniture, a quaint secret awaits discovery. In the softwood of the main drawer are the signatures of all the officials who have ever sat at the desk, including Harry Truman, Richard Nixon, Al Gore, and Hubert Humphrey. Imperfect on the outside, this worn out desk is a lot like the people in our lives. After taking the time to look more closely, you'll be able to find something unique inside.

Connectedness is the LifePACT principle of managing stress through quality relationships with other people. Supportive relationships with others reveal the treasures hidden in them. More importantly, relationships with others will reveal the many treasures that are hidden within you.

People need people

You benefit in many ways from social contact. Other people act as support while you unload the baggage of hurts and distress. Many times all you need is a sympathetic ear. By hearing yourself speak, you'll gain a new perspective. Frustrations and fears seem less intimidating when they have been aired in the presence of another person. Support from others emboldens you to confront situations that you might otherwise avoid.

People who have a number of contacts and an effective support network usually do best with change and challenges. There are relatively few things in life that you need to go through alone. Reach out to others in times of uncertainty and stress. People can help by being a resource for relevant information, emotional support, perspective, distraction, fun, and alternative solutions.
Different people can meet different needs. Family, friends and co-workers are all able to meet different needs, but no one person can meet them all. Building supportive relationships means spending more time with friends you want to know better and letting them know increasingly more intimate things about yourself -- your likes and dislikes, your fears and goals, etc.

Connectedness also means disclosing increasingly more personal information when you sense that the other person is willing to do so as well. Finally, building supportive relationships means that you, too, provide a supportive ear. True support is built on a foundation of active listening and mutual self-disclosure.

If you don't have a network of people who can meet these needs, it may be because you have difficulty in reaching out for help. You may believe that you will be considered weak or dumb if you don't do everything on your own. An attitude of rugged individualism may have worked for you in the past, but it's out of date in this age of interdependence. The image of the fearless entrepreneur who faces impossible odds in a solitary quest for success is a myth. Talk to successful business owners and they will tell you there are no self-made millionaires. Nobody succeeds without the assistance of mentors, advisors, and supporters.


Moving forward

Autonomy solves problems by helping you distinguish between things that can be fixed and those things that are out of your control. Procrastination, on the other hand, is a form of poor problem solving. By procrastinating for no good reason, you are only postponing the inevitable. In fact, you may be exacerbating an already stressful situation. It not only can make you feel overwhelmed and depressed and discouraged, but it can also lead to any number of problems with the people in your life. But, since procrastination is a habit, it can be changed like any other habit. As we learned in this lesson, most people can expect to find significant relief from procrastination by approaching problems and tasks both systematically and with reasonable goals.

You also learned about connectedness, which is the third LifePACT principle. Connectedness is the skill of managing your heart. To manage your heart is to manage your place in the community of fellow humans with whom you live out your life. In Lesson 5, we'll see how to build quality relationships with other people.


Evaluating your social network

Take stock of your social network by making several lists. Who do you see when you have a problem? When you want to socialize or be challenged? Who do you go to when you want acceptance and approval or good advice? When you want to learn something new, feel better about yourself, or simply to learn what's going on? Does one of these lists look skimpier than the others? How can this be rectified?


Autonomy: managing your hands assignment

Assignments are designed to help you apply the information learned in the lessons.


Rehearsing to avoid negative reactions

It is not easy to work on the bad habit of reacting impulsively to stressful situations. When you are overwhelmed by emotion, there is an overpowering urge to do something immediately. But every time you tackle a problem in this way, you're setting yourself up for needless stress. Here's a good way to put a stop to this kind of impulsive behavior: in moments when you are not particularly upset, rehearse how you want to behave when you are upset.


To do this, take a "time out" and finish each of these three statements: When I _____ , to avoid _____ , I will _____ .


Let's give it a try by applying these statements to the following episode: Barbara has the bad habit of binge eating whenever she is having conflicts with her boyfriend.

How would you help her finish each of these three statements?

1. When I am having a conflict with my partner, I start to feel sad and upset and sorry for myself, and I begin thinking, "What's the use, I owe it to myself to indulge myself a little . . ."

2. To avoid eating until I make myself sick, then feeling guilty and even worse than I did before I started eating, and gaining extra pounds which are hard to lose, I'll . . .

3. I will ask my partner, as soon as I notice we are arguing, to help us not fight. If he doesn't agree, then I will . . .