Lesson 8: Managing your emotions every day

In this final lesson, we'll explore the three main forms of emotional stress -- anger, worry and the blues. Then we'll discuss strategies for improving your daily life so you can balance your emotions and keep your life on an even keel.


Managing your emotions

In this, our final lesson, we'll learn that there are three main forms of emotional stress -- anger, worry and the blues. Then we'll discuss strategies for keeping your life on an even keel. The LifePACT model can help you balance your emotions so that you can channel them into dealing with the daily pressures that push and pull you in all directions.


Managing anger

Everybody gets mad. Anger is a natural human emotion. It's nature's way of empowering us to "ward off" our perception of an attack or threat to our general well being. When handled constructively, anger brings about progressive change, stops injustices, and rights all sorts of wrongs. But just like any other form of stress, anger can cut two ways. One out of five Americans has an anger management problem. For them, anger is a destructive force. It occurs too often, lasts too long, is too intense, and can lead to consequences that are destructive.

Domestic abuse, road rage, workplace violence, divorce, and addiction are just a few examples of what happens when anger is mismanaged. What's more, anger can give you a coronary. Recent studies have found that people who are highly anger-prone are nearly three times more likely to have a heart attack.

Anger is something everybody experiences, but it's still a very misunderstood emotion. Contrary to popular belief, letting your anger out is not always the best policy. In fact, expressing your anger often makes you angrier. Even talking to someone else about the terrible things your partner does to make you angry often entrenches you in a negative attitude toward your partner. Keeping some of your angry feelings to yourself won't give you an ulcer. It is likely to make you a more tolerant person. What it comes down to is that the problem is not anger in and of itself; the problem is the mismanagement of anger.

How would you apply the LifePACT model to improve your anger management skills?


Managing worry

There's literally no limit to the things you can worry about. The most common involve finances, diseases or safety issues, family problems, relationships, and work. Surveys tell us that practically everyone worries at least sometimes about some of these things. You can worry about anything. For instance, if you walk across the street, a car might hit you. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. You can go on and on for hours spinning your wheels like this, getting nowhere.

Just remember that not all worry is bad. The good kind of worry is called adaptive worry. Without it you would not be able to hold a job, make and maintain wholesome social connections, use money wisely, or do any of the other things necessary to function in society. Adaptive worry functions as a problem solving mechanism, energizing you to close the gaps between what you want and what you are getting from life.

Excessive worry is stressful worry, which is entirely devoid of problem solving. It is the habit of ruining perfectly good moments of your day with pointless exaggerations of impending doom and gloom. You may think you are solving problems. In reality, though, you're just getting yourself needlessly distressed without any progress toward resolving the object of worry. The next time you find yourself worrying excessively, try applying the principles of the LifePACT model. It's in your best intereststo learn how to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy worry, then channel needless worry into problem-solving behavior as well as strategies for managing worry.


Blues or depression?

Everyone experiences the blues. When a loved one dies, a person goes through a complicated but natural process of grieving. In addition, feelings of shock, despair, and anger may follow many other experiences involving loss, such as the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, a divorce, or a serious illness or accident. Even with happy events, such as when a child begins kindergarten or leaves home for college, or when you move to another community or accept a new job, you may find yourself feeling bereaved. Feeling blue is a normal, common reaction to disappointment, change, and loss.

Depression is different from the blues. Depression is generally suspected when feelings persist for a long period of time and seem extraordinarily intense given the nature of the circumstances, or when there is a continued pattern of responding to any kind of stress with these feelings. It is a condition of gloom, sadness, and other depressive symptoms that goes beyond -- in terms of intensity and duration of the feeling -- what would be expected in response to a given disappointment, loss, or significant change.

You should suspect you have something more than the blues if you have a pervasive feeling of sadness that exists most days for a period of two weeks. Consider seeking professional help if you answer "yes" to any of the following questions: Is your mood interfering with your personal relationships or your job performance? Is your stress from a single, identified stress (for instance, the serious illness of a child) that does not have a clear end in sight? Are you beginning to feel worthless or guilty about the situation? Is the stress not allowing you to find happiness in other parts of your life?


Having a great day every day

Is it possible to have a great day, every day? It depends on how you define having a great day and what you are willing to do to achieve it. I would like to conclude this course by suggesting two things you can do to have a great day every day of your life.


Mindfulness

Imagine viewing each day and every moment of each day as great, simply because it is. Mindfulness is a discipline practiced all over the world that has precisely that attitude as its goal. The key to mindfulness is to be a nonjudgmental and dispassionate observer of life. Rather than maintaining a running commentary of the goodness or badness of life's events, observe your life without judging moment by moment, without editing or censoring it, without intellectualizing it or getting lost in your own incessant thinking. Mindfulness is the ability of the mind to observe without criticism. With this ability, you see things without condemnation or judgment. You just observe.

When you observe life rather than measure and evaluate it, you begin to see things as they are actually happening. There are no biases. You observe that you feel, fear, and accept the fact that you are afraid. You accept your depression, irritation, agitation, and frustration, and all those other uncomfortable emotional states as simply another of life's occurrences, just another thing to be aware of. There's no pride, no shame, and there's nothing personal at stake -- what is there is there.

Mindfulness does not take sides. It does not get hung up in what is perceived. It just perceives. Mindfulness does not get infatuated with the good stuff. It does not try to sidestep the bad stuff. There is no clinging to the pleasant, no fleeing from the unpleasant. Mindfulness sees all experiences, all thoughts, and all feelings as equal. Nothing is suppressed. Nothing is repressed. Mindfulness does not play favorites.

This state of perception has to be learned. It takes regular practice. Once you learn the techniques of this approach to living each day of your life, your whole view of the universe will be transformed. You'll become more aware of the content of your thoughts, the feelings associated with them, and your reactions to them. You'll also become more aware of agendas, attachments, likes and dislikes, and inaccuracies in your ideas. You'll gain insight into your fears and aspirations so that you see more clearly the surrounding world, including what drives you and, most importantly, who you are.

Start today on your journey toward a more accepting experience of life by trying to live a few moments totally suspended in the present. Soak in the feeling of all that surrounds you. Don't dwell on the past or anticipate the future. Just savor this one long, delicious moment. Living completely in the present is one of the best stress relievers. It can help you to ground yourself during times of confusion and, when it is necessary, you'll be able to totally immerse yourself in a problem at hand or even a simple chore that needs to get done.


The simple life

The second principle is to simplify your life. To simplify your life is to remove from it the things that distract, burden, or stress you: Possessions that are no longer meaningful, social activities that you attend simply out of politeness or duty, relationships that no longer work, household and other duties that have lost meaning or purpose.

To simplify is to evaluate the meaning and purpose of the people, tasks, and events that fill your life. Life simplification is best approached slowly, starting with the little things, like a cluttered closet or social calendar. Once you have removed a few things, it is amazing what insights into yourself will begin to appear. The goal is to begin to know those things, people, careers, and activities that hold the most meaning for you. And to begin to let go of an outer definition of self (expensive cars, large homes, etc.) and to stop trying to layer yourself with so many possessions, titles, and activities that you are unable to enjoy your life.


Here are some easy first steps:

Reduce unwanted sales calls at your home. You can request that your number be removed from the call lists of telephone solicitors. Every time I receive a call at home from a salesperson, I immediately ask to speak to the person's supervisor. I then politely ask the supervisor what he can do to assure me I will not receive another call. I hardly ever get a call anymore.
Eliminate unwanted e-mail. Ten years ago, this was not a problem. Today, e-mail is a source of stress and unnecessary clutter. Use mailbox filters to block the sender address of each unsolicited piece of e-mail. You will notice the difference in no time at all.

Clean up your mess. If you are person who tends to hoard, there is probably an element of perfectionism running behind your reluctance to clean house. You don't want to make the mistake of throwing away something important. So you hang on to everything. The very first thing you have to do is to acquire the ability to admit that you have -- and will -- make mistakes. When you get past this, it gets much easier. Actually, you may find you rarely regret having gotten rid of something. It just seems that way when you are pitching things.

Simplify your relationships. Social relationships are so precious. Friends and confidants are some of life's greatest treasures. These relationships should be nurtured. But not all relationships fit into this category. Friends change and you change. This means that from time to time you need to reevaluate the relationships in your life. In which relationships in your social network has their ceased to be any type of reciprocal benefit? Many times these sterile relationships end spontaneously. Other times, compassionate assertiveness is called for. I was in a coffee shop and I overheard one woman say to another, "My life has gotten so complicated recently, I really don't feel I have the time or energy to continue our relationship."

Cultivate the habit of keeping your life simple. Stay focused on truly meaningful things. Rid yourself of extraneous things that weigh you down and you will find your life is much less stressful.


Cultivate a different set of values

While many are embracing the so-called fast track as the surest path to success, others are cultivating a different set of values. In increasing numbers, professionals both young and old are taking control of their careers rather than letting their careers take control of them. Studies show that most people would be willing to take a salary cut if it meant more family and personal time

Have a great life

In an interview a few years ago when Mike Tyson was about to fight Michael Spinks, he was told by an announcer, "Spinks has a plan to knock you out." Tyson replied, "They all have a plan until they get hit." This exemplifies the fact that an unexpected life crisis can knock you down, making you forget your commitments. The important thing is to get back up and start fighting again.
Here are some closing thoughts:

Make a personal commitment. Don't wait to mobilize yourself to deal with stress until you or someone close to you becomes ill from an overload of pressures. As a means of protecting yourself against the negative consequences of stress, begin today by committing yourself to a simplified lifestyle.

Be patient. You may be tempted to correct all your vulnerabilities to stress overnight. The real benefits of a changed lifestyle are not immediately apparent; improvements in health and well being accrue slowly. View learning to cope with stress as a lifelong project.

One step at a time. You cannot make lifestyle changes on a wholesale basis. Concentrate on a particular change for a minimum of three weeks. Decide to continue on this project after this trial period. If you do continue, you can then enter into a period of stabilization for approximately two months before undertaking another project. This way, lifestyle changes do not become overwhelming.

Take calculated risks. Other people often do not want or expect us to change because they are used to our behaving in certain ways. Relationships with supervisors, peers, subordinates, families, and friends may all be affected by these changes. This is another reason to break down your personal changes to a series of gradual steps.

Start on the easy things. You may want to try something uncomplicated like keeping a list of daily work goals before trying something more difficult like giving up smoking. Early success experiences help to build momentum and to lessen the difficulty of later changes.
Anticipate success. Expectations become self-fulfilling; if you expect to succeed, your chances of doing so are much higher than if you expect to fail. An optimistic approach is not difficult to maintain if you follow the guidelines of taking one step at a time, taking calculated risks, and building on successes.


One final tip: As you lie in bed tonight and reflect back over your day, don't think of the mistakes you've made or the regrets that you have. Think of one thing you did today that you feel good about. Do this consistently and I guarantee that, as you drift off to a peaceful sleep, you will be able to say to yourself, with all honesty, "I had a really good day."

Goodbye and good luck

A man was found dead in the desert. Near him was a package. If he had opened the package he would not have died. What was in the package?

People give a wide variety of answers to this riddle, anything from water, food and maps to a compass or cell phone. Every once in a while someone will give the right answer: A parachute.

When you are falling through space, what matters more than a parachute?
The larger question is: Why didn't he open it? It was there, available to him. It seems outrageous that he didn't make use of it. My hunch is that he thought he had one of those chutes that opened automatically. He didn't realize he had to pull the ripcord. All the way down, perhaps right up to the last hundred feet, this poor individual fully expected things to happen all by themselves. This mistake cost him his life.

This man's attitude is fairly common. A lot of people are falling through life, waiting for their parachutes to open all by themselves. People with this attitude would never expect to get a job without interviewing for it or a new home without applying for a loan. But when it comes to success in managing stress they expect things to happen spontaneously.

You are not one of those people. You took this course because you recognize that the more you invest in your life, the more you'll find it rewarding. I want to congratulate you for staying with the course through all the lessons. We have covered a lot of ground in a relatively short time. I hope in the following weeks you will continue to make progress and achieve even higher levels of stress management competence.

Improving your life as you live it is like rebuilding a ship while at sea. Just when you think you're gaining in some area, a crisis knocks you off balance again. Everyone dreams of a life free of problems. This is an illusion. Life will always present you with challenges and personal distress. Competence in managing stress is within your reach. You don't need exceptional intelligence. All you need is persistence in your efforts and clarity in the vision of what you want to make of your life.

I hope that, by applying the LifePACT model each and every day for a variety of episodes and situations, you continue to have a great life that you enjoy leading.


Always moving forward

We are all different in both the things that cause us stress as well as the methods that will work best to manage that stress. Recognize your uniqueness by looking into the various philosophies of both life and stress management to find the techniques that you personally find most effective