Lesson 8: Managing your emotions every day

In this final lesson, we'll explore the three main forms of emotional stress -- anger, worry and the blues. Then we'll discuss strategies for improving your daily life so you can balance your emotions and keep your life on an even keel.


Managing your emotions

In this, our final lesson, we'll learn that there are three main forms of emotional stress -- anger, worry and the blues. Then we'll discuss strategies for keeping your life on an even keel. The LifePACT model can help you balance your emotions so that you can channel them into dealing with the daily pressures that push and pull you in all directions.


Managing anger

Everybody gets mad. Anger is a natural human emotion. It's nature's way of empowering us to "ward off" our perception of an attack or threat to our general well being. When handled constructively, anger brings about progressive change, stops injustices, and rights all sorts of wrongs. But just like any other form of stress, anger can cut two ways. One out of five Americans has an anger management problem. For them, anger is a destructive force. It occurs too often, lasts too long, is too intense, and can lead to consequences that are destructive.

Domestic abuse, road rage, workplace violence, divorce, and addiction are just a few examples of what happens when anger is mismanaged. What's more, anger can give you a coronary. Recent studies have found that people who are highly anger-prone are nearly three times more likely to have a heart attack.

Anger is something everybody experiences, but it's still a very misunderstood emotion. Contrary to popular belief, letting your anger out is not always the best policy. In fact, expressing your anger often makes you angrier. Even talking to someone else about the terrible things your partner does to make you angry often entrenches you in a negative attitude toward your partner. Keeping some of your angry feelings to yourself won't give you an ulcer. It is likely to make you a more tolerant person. What it comes down to is that the problem is not anger in and of itself; the problem is the mismanagement of anger.

How would you apply the LifePACT model to improve your anger management skills?


Managing worry

There's literally no limit to the things you can worry about. The most common involve finances, diseases or safety issues, family problems, relationships, and work. Surveys tell us that practically everyone worries at least sometimes about some of these things. You can worry about anything. For instance, if you walk across the street, a car might hit you. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. You can go on and on for hours spinning your wheels like this, getting nowhere.

Just remember that not all worry is bad. The good kind of worry is called adaptive worry. Without it you would not be able to hold a job, make and maintain wholesome social connections, use money wisely, or do any of the other things necessary to function in society. Adaptive worry functions as a problem solving mechanism, energizing you to close the gaps between what you want and what you are getting from life.

Excessive worry is stressful worry, which is entirely devoid of problem solving. It is the habit of ruining perfectly good moments of your day with pointless exaggerations of impending doom and gloom. You may think you are solving problems. In reality, though, you're just getting yourself needlessly distressed without any progress toward resolving the object of worry. The next time you find yourself worrying excessively, try applying the principles of the LifePACT model. It's in your best intereststo learn how to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy worry, then channel needless worry into problem-solving behavior as well as strategies for managing worry.


Blues or depression?

Everyone experiences the blues. When a loved one dies, a person goes through a complicated but natural process of grieving. In addition, feelings of shock, despair, and anger may follow many other experiences involving loss, such as the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, a divorce, or a serious illness or accident. Even with happy events, such as when a child begins kindergarten or leaves home for college, or when you move to another community or accept a new job, you may find yourself feeling bereaved. Feeling blue is a normal, common reaction to disappointment, change, and loss.

Depression is different from the blues. Depression is generally suspected when feelings persist for a long period of time and seem extraordinarily intense given the nature of the circumstances, or when there is a continued pattern of responding to any kind of stress with these feelings. It is a condition of gloom, sadness, and other depressive symptoms that goes beyond -- in terms of intensity and duration of the feeling -- what would be expected in response to a given disappointment, loss, or significant change.

You should suspect you have something more than the blues if you have a pervasive feeling of sadness that exists most days for a period of two weeks. Consider seeking professional help if you answer "yes" to any of the following questions: Is your mood interfering with your personal relationships or your job performance? Is your stress from a single, identified stress (for instance, the serious illness of a child) that does not have a clear end in sight? Are you beginning to feel worthless or guilty about the situation? Is the stress not allowing you to find happiness in other parts of your life?


Having a great day every day

Is it possible to have a great day, every day? It depends on how you define having a great day and what you are willing to do to achieve it. I would like to conclude this course by suggesting two things you can do to have a great day every day of your life.


Mindfulness

Imagine viewing each day and every moment of each day as great, simply because it is. Mindfulness is a discipline practiced all over the world that has precisely that attitude as its goal. The key to mindfulness is to be a nonjudgmental and dispassionate observer of life. Rather than maintaining a running commentary of the goodness or badness of life's events, observe your life without judging moment by moment, without editing or censoring it, without intellectualizing it or getting lost in your own incessant thinking. Mindfulness is the ability of the mind to observe without criticism. With this ability, you see things without condemnation or judgment. You just observe.

When you observe life rather than measure and evaluate it, you begin to see things as they are actually happening. There are no biases. You observe that you feel, fear, and accept the fact that you are afraid. You accept your depression, irritation, agitation, and frustration, and all those other uncomfortable emotional states as simply another of life's occurrences, just another thing to be aware of. There's no pride, no shame, and there's nothing personal at stake -- what is there is there.

Mindfulness does not take sides. It does not get hung up in what is perceived. It just perceives. Mindfulness does not get infatuated with the good stuff. It does not try to sidestep the bad stuff. There is no clinging to the pleasant, no fleeing from the unpleasant. Mindfulness sees all experiences, all thoughts, and all feelings as equal. Nothing is suppressed. Nothing is repressed. Mindfulness does not play favorites.

This state of perception has to be learned. It takes regular practice. Once you learn the techniques of this approach to living each day of your life, your whole view of the universe will be transformed. You'll become more aware of the content of your thoughts, the feelings associated with them, and your reactions to them. You'll also become more aware of agendas, attachments, likes and dislikes, and inaccuracies in your ideas. You'll gain insight into your fears and aspirations so that you see more clearly the surrounding world, including what drives you and, most importantly, who you are.

Start today on your journey toward a more accepting experience of life by trying to live a few moments totally suspended in the present. Soak in the feeling of all that surrounds you. Don't dwell on the past or anticipate the future. Just savor this one long, delicious moment. Living completely in the present is one of the best stress relievers. It can help you to ground yourself during times of confusion and, when it is necessary, you'll be able to totally immerse yourself in a problem at hand or even a simple chore that needs to get done.


The simple life

The second principle is to simplify your life. To simplify your life is to remove from it the things that distract, burden, or stress you: Possessions that are no longer meaningful, social activities that you attend simply out of politeness or duty, relationships that no longer work, household and other duties that have lost meaning or purpose.

To simplify is to evaluate the meaning and purpose of the people, tasks, and events that fill your life. Life simplification is best approached slowly, starting with the little things, like a cluttered closet or social calendar. Once you have removed a few things, it is amazing what insights into yourself will begin to appear. The goal is to begin to know those things, people, careers, and activities that hold the most meaning for you. And to begin to let go of an outer definition of self (expensive cars, large homes, etc.) and to stop trying to layer yourself with so many possessions, titles, and activities that you are unable to enjoy your life.


Here are some easy first steps:

Reduce unwanted sales calls at your home. You can request that your number be removed from the call lists of telephone solicitors. Every time I receive a call at home from a salesperson, I immediately ask to speak to the person's supervisor. I then politely ask the supervisor what he can do to assure me I will not receive another call. I hardly ever get a call anymore.
Eliminate unwanted e-mail. Ten years ago, this was not a problem. Today, e-mail is a source of stress and unnecessary clutter. Use mailbox filters to block the sender address of each unsolicited piece of e-mail. You will notice the difference in no time at all.

Clean up your mess. If you are person who tends to hoard, there is probably an element of perfectionism running behind your reluctance to clean house. You don't want to make the mistake of throwing away something important. So you hang on to everything. The very first thing you have to do is to acquire the ability to admit that you have -- and will -- make mistakes. When you get past this, it gets much easier. Actually, you may find you rarely regret having gotten rid of something. It just seems that way when you are pitching things.

Simplify your relationships. Social relationships are so precious. Friends and confidants are some of life's greatest treasures. These relationships should be nurtured. But not all relationships fit into this category. Friends change and you change. This means that from time to time you need to reevaluate the relationships in your life. In which relationships in your social network has their ceased to be any type of reciprocal benefit? Many times these sterile relationships end spontaneously. Other times, compassionate assertiveness is called for. I was in a coffee shop and I overheard one woman say to another, "My life has gotten so complicated recently, I really don't feel I have the time or energy to continue our relationship."

Cultivate the habit of keeping your life simple. Stay focused on truly meaningful things. Rid yourself of extraneous things that weigh you down and you will find your life is much less stressful.


Cultivate a different set of values

While many are embracing the so-called fast track as the surest path to success, others are cultivating a different set of values. In increasing numbers, professionals both young and old are taking control of their careers rather than letting their careers take control of them. Studies show that most people would be willing to take a salary cut if it meant more family and personal time

Have a great life

In an interview a few years ago when Mike Tyson was about to fight Michael Spinks, he was told by an announcer, "Spinks has a plan to knock you out." Tyson replied, "They all have a plan until they get hit." This exemplifies the fact that an unexpected life crisis can knock you down, making you forget your commitments. The important thing is to get back up and start fighting again.
Here are some closing thoughts:

Make a personal commitment. Don't wait to mobilize yourself to deal with stress until you or someone close to you becomes ill from an overload of pressures. As a means of protecting yourself against the negative consequences of stress, begin today by committing yourself to a simplified lifestyle.

Be patient. You may be tempted to correct all your vulnerabilities to stress overnight. The real benefits of a changed lifestyle are not immediately apparent; improvements in health and well being accrue slowly. View learning to cope with stress as a lifelong project.

One step at a time. You cannot make lifestyle changes on a wholesale basis. Concentrate on a particular change for a minimum of three weeks. Decide to continue on this project after this trial period. If you do continue, you can then enter into a period of stabilization for approximately two months before undertaking another project. This way, lifestyle changes do not become overwhelming.

Take calculated risks. Other people often do not want or expect us to change because they are used to our behaving in certain ways. Relationships with supervisors, peers, subordinates, families, and friends may all be affected by these changes. This is another reason to break down your personal changes to a series of gradual steps.

Start on the easy things. You may want to try something uncomplicated like keeping a list of daily work goals before trying something more difficult like giving up smoking. Early success experiences help to build momentum and to lessen the difficulty of later changes.
Anticipate success. Expectations become self-fulfilling; if you expect to succeed, your chances of doing so are much higher than if you expect to fail. An optimistic approach is not difficult to maintain if you follow the guidelines of taking one step at a time, taking calculated risks, and building on successes.


One final tip: As you lie in bed tonight and reflect back over your day, don't think of the mistakes you've made or the regrets that you have. Think of one thing you did today that you feel good about. Do this consistently and I guarantee that, as you drift off to a peaceful sleep, you will be able to say to yourself, with all honesty, "I had a really good day."

Goodbye and good luck

A man was found dead in the desert. Near him was a package. If he had opened the package he would not have died. What was in the package?

People give a wide variety of answers to this riddle, anything from water, food and maps to a compass or cell phone. Every once in a while someone will give the right answer: A parachute.

When you are falling through space, what matters more than a parachute?
The larger question is: Why didn't he open it? It was there, available to him. It seems outrageous that he didn't make use of it. My hunch is that he thought he had one of those chutes that opened automatically. He didn't realize he had to pull the ripcord. All the way down, perhaps right up to the last hundred feet, this poor individual fully expected things to happen all by themselves. This mistake cost him his life.

This man's attitude is fairly common. A lot of people are falling through life, waiting for their parachutes to open all by themselves. People with this attitude would never expect to get a job without interviewing for it or a new home without applying for a loan. But when it comes to success in managing stress they expect things to happen spontaneously.

You are not one of those people. You took this course because you recognize that the more you invest in your life, the more you'll find it rewarding. I want to congratulate you for staying with the course through all the lessons. We have covered a lot of ground in a relatively short time. I hope in the following weeks you will continue to make progress and achieve even higher levels of stress management competence.

Improving your life as you live it is like rebuilding a ship while at sea. Just when you think you're gaining in some area, a crisis knocks you off balance again. Everyone dreams of a life free of problems. This is an illusion. Life will always present you with challenges and personal distress. Competence in managing stress is within your reach. You don't need exceptional intelligence. All you need is persistence in your efforts and clarity in the vision of what you want to make of your life.

I hope that, by applying the LifePACT model each and every day for a variety of episodes and situations, you continue to have a great life that you enjoy leading.


Always moving forward

We are all different in both the things that cause us stress as well as the methods that will work best to manage that stress. Recognize your uniqueness by looking into the various philosophies of both life and stress management to find the techniques that you personally find most effective

Lesson 7: Putting it all together

By managing your mind, hands and heart, you'll achieve a honed body and spirit that acts as one, enabling you to master your emotions. This lesson puts the four principles of the LifePACT model together to balance personal and professional demands.


Balancing personal and professional demands

The previous lesson was designed to help you develop a proper tone so you can overcome the tension in your body and achieve a state of relaxation and ease. You'll find that, by using the LifePACT model to define your principles for lifestyle management, you'll be able to maximize the benefits of stress while mitigating its costs. By managing your mind, hands and heart, you'll achieve a honed body and spirit that acts as one, enabling you to master your emotions.
Today we'll learn how to put the LifePACT model's principles together so that you can begin to balance all of your personal and professional demands.


The importance of balance

The hottest topic in personal growth books today is balance. So consider yourself in good company if you want to find greater competence in juggling your time and energies. The image of the individual flawlessly and effortlessly attending to the demands of family life, social life, and community life while still having time for herself is a figment of our collective imagination.
People who find a balance in their lives -- who utilize their time for work, family, and personal needs -- have less stress, are more at ease, eat and sleep better, and enjoy greater rewards in their interpersonal lives. One major reality makes the achievement of perfect balance a difficult challenge. Let's take a look at it.


Pacing yourself

Do you pace yourself throughout the day? Pay attention to your natural rhythms. When do you perform best? Schedule your most difficult tasks for that time. Also try to set up your day so that you shift back and forth between pleasurable and difficult tasks. Take small breaks throughout the day in order to prevent the symptoms of tension and stress


Barriers to achieving balance

One barrier to achieving balance is the multitude of external demands being thrust upon you. As a child, your network of social responsibilities was limited to your family and school. But as you mature, your life became more socially cluttered. Maybe you found a life partner, had children, or landed a job in the private sector. Maybe all of the above! Simply put, the older you get, the greater the number of people who occupy room in your life.
People who depend on you for some type of support are called stakeholders. The problem with the accumulation of stakeholders is that generally when you get a new one, you don't get rid of an old one. It's much like getting new Christmas ornaments. Just add one or two new ornaments to your collection each year: in no time, you're going to have trouble finding room for them on the tree.


Typically, by the time you're an adult, you have a crowd of people looking to you for emotional support, to do certain tasks, or to just have fun with. A life rich with stakeholders wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for one thing: Each stakeholder wants all of you.


When everybody wants you

Many stakeholders don't know how to share. Remember that teacher who always gave you too much homework? Didn't he realize you were taking other courses that also demanded your time and energy? Although you might never have confronted him, if you had there's a very good chance he would have said: "I don't care."

Stakeholders are the same way. Work doesn't care that you have a family and family doesn't care that you have a career. Church or other community groups don't care that you have another life apart from their activities. They all want everything you are willing to give. Step back and listen to this litany of everyday demands:


The boss says, "Don't let me down, I'm counting on you" while your staff says, "What about us? We have rights too" and your customers are saying, "Faster, cheaper, better." When you get home your spouse is asking, "What about us, don't you care?" Your kids are screaming, "Mommy, mommy! Daddy, daddy!" And in the midst of all this, you hear your own voice saying, "Slow down, relax, take care of yourself." Does this situation sound familiar?


If there were just one voice, you could respond to it and feel that you had fulfilled your responsibilities. But it's rare that you get the luxury of dealing with just one demand. More often, there are multiple stakeholders demanding your attention. By trying to meet the demands of all the stakeholders in your life, it's easy to lose sight of what is really important to you. The result is that your life begins to wobble. You have, in other words, lost your balance.


Identifying imbalance

Imbalance is generally easy to spot. For instance, when your tires are out of balance, the whole car is affected. When your checkbook is not balanced, you'll find out about that soon enough. When the tightrope walker loses his balance, the crowd gasps and hopes he can recover. But a life out of balance is a slow boil. It may be years before the problem is apparent enough to register on your radar screen. You may even be the last person to realize it. Let's take a look at the following example of a life out of whack:

Gary loves his family. He also loves his work. Lately, he has not been successful in giving equal amounts of attention to both priorities. He's on a fast track at work. The more he does, the more recognition he gets. The more recognition he gets, the more hours he puts in. Due to frequent conflicts with his wife, Gary is now spending time at work even when there's no pressing need to do so. He wonders how things got to this point.

Clearly Gary's life is unbalanced. He is spending far more than 40 hours out of each week on his career. Also, even when he's not at work, he's taking time dressing for work, commuting to work, thinking about work, and decompressing after work. Although he may be a star at the office, the rest of his existence is withering. In other words, he's on a gradual downhill trajectory. The very pattern that is earning him accolades today will ironically lead to a decline in Gary's health, peace of mind, and, ultimately, his productivity.

If life were perfect you would have a job that offered enough challenge to be interesting, enough ease to be enjoyable, enough fellowship to be nourishing, enough money to pay the bills, and that still left you enough hours to spend on your relationships and self-renewal. But that's not the real world. The real world is a place where trying to have it all can mean losing it all. It's full of compromises and consequences for the choices you make. Let's look at some ways we can achieve the highly-sought prize of balance.


Managing job stress

Job-related tensions need not carry over into the other aspects of your life. By identifying your sources of job stress then motivating yourself to take control of these stressors, you will have a greater chance of pacing and balancing yourself


Keeping the stakeholders happy

Being proactive in your job training is a great way to demonstrate to your bosses your commitment to your career. Training services have never been easier to purchase or to implement, thanks to HP


Ways to achieve balance

Effective stress management requires that you establish boundaries between the different arenas of your life: Personal, work, family, and goals. Here are some ideas for keeping the stress of work from infiltrating and contaminating other parts of your life.


Creating lists

As the workday draws to a close, you may be facing the next day with a vague sense of dread that can very easily be brought home. If you feel overwhelmed by the tasks you need to finish, try to dissolve the dread by translating your free-floating anxiety into specific goals. List all the tasks you need to do the next day. Then look at your list. Are there any tasks that can be delegated? Any that can be handled later in the week? Finally, assign a priority to each task and a preferred time of day to tackle it and then start cracking.


Visualize

Another way of dealing with unfinished business is to use the same list of tasks and to close your eyes and imagine yourself finishing them. See yourself shaking hands with an interested client after your presentation. Then picture yourself coming to the bottom of your in-basket. End your day with a vision of yourself completing tomorrow's work. This kind of relief from unfinished business can be a powerful tool in your successful passage from work to home.
Stop!


Consider Steven's situation. His job involves giving monthly reports to the senior management team in a large organization. For days before his presentation, Steven would always be haunted by doubts: "Will I stammer? What if I don't know the answers to their questions?" When you are preoccupied with similar fears, try saying loudly, "Stop!" This command interrupts your negative review of the day or preview of the future and offers the opportunity to redirect your thinking.


Slow down and reorganize

At 4:15 you may find yourself doing your most demanding work. When your day ends with a feverish finale, you probably will carry that intensity with you all the way home. Instead, why not schedule the least-demanding tasks for your last hour in the office? Listen to soothing music, consult your next day's schedule, return phone calls, use the copy machine, proofread letters. In this way, you will be able to change the focus from your task-oriented day so that you can have a relaxed and spontaneous evening.


Uninvited guests


Each workday brings intense encounters with difficult or disturbing people. These people tend to become uninvited guests in your mind, which you then bring home with you. The key to rectifying this problem is by creating a distance from the close encounters of the day. Ask yourself, "When I left work today, what were the my strongest feelings about the difficult people I encountered?" Then consider a number of words that might describe these feelings. Frustration, anger, and confusion are common negative feelings in the work arena. By labeling your feelings, you are beginning to prevent them from interfering with your personal life.


Choose your responsibilities wisely

Have you ever left a buffet line with a plate embarrassingly overloaded with food? It all looked so good you didn't know what to pass by.

Life presents you with many options, and it is sometimes difficult to choose between them. The best stress managers have a deep sense of commitment. They make commitments to the things that truly matter to them and then spend their time and energy on those commitments. For some, this means owning a large home. For others, it means lots of leisure time. Still others value financial security or their children's future above all else.

As we'll see next, what is important is that you take stock of your values and choose commitments that are consistent with them.

Don't overspend yourself

There is a happy medium somewhere between saying "yes" whenever you are asked to do something for someone else regardless of the personal cost, and saying "no" to all requests. Although you should be something to everyone, recognize your limits and realize that you can't be everything to everyone

Finding balance at work

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Managing your social behavior

Periodically take stock of your life, including your achievements, your activities, and your relationships. Then evaluate where you are going. What are your goals and aspirations? Where do you see yourself in the future? It is not uncommon to set out for a particular goal and forget what it was along the way. When you lose sight of your purpose, you risk becoming compulsive. In other words, the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing! Below we'll see how this can be accomplished.


Take time to recharge

Just as you add more cash to your bank account to avoid being overdrawn, you can add energy to your emotional bank account. Recharge your personal resources by participating in activities that energize, refresh, and fulfill. These include participating in spiritual activities, ceremonies, or personal reflection; rewarding yourself when you are happy with your efforts; treating yourself to something special; telling yourself you're a good and worthy person; expressing your needs and asserting yourself to obtain those needs; and laughing with others each and every day.


Set priorities

Ultimately there are just three priorities: Work, relationships, and self. When you wake up in the morning you are given a pie. This pie is equal to the amount of energy you have for the rest of the day. You only have one pie per day. Every Sunday, take time to reflect on how you will divide the pies for the coming week. Each weekday morning take a few minutes to decide what slice of your pie will go to work, which slice to relationships, and which slice to yourself.


Take something off your plate

Learning to say "no" is the single most important thing a person can do to bring order to his or her life. Don't be afraid to remove things from your overloaded plate. Not everything has equal value. Discriminate between what is worth doing well, what is worth just doing, and what is not worth doing at all. Don't say "yes" right away. Stall by asking, "Can I get back to you on that?" Then consider carefully what you will take off your plate if you add another thing to it before replying.


Remember your legacy and be realistic

Which inscription will be placed on your tombstone: "Beloved Parent, Brother, and Husband" or "Off to Another Meeting"? Make lists of the roles you play in your life; for instance, your relationships with your father, mother, son, daughter, etc. For each role, ask yourself, "How do I want to be remembered by the people who depend on me?"


Cultivate a sharing attitude with your spouse

Sit down periodically with your significant other and discuss what you can do for mutual support in your respective jobs, at home, and at work. Many husbands and wives report great relief when their partners lend an ear to their complaints, offer a sounding board, and give advice and encouragement.

It is impossible to reach an ideal in both family and job. Aim for the best balance among your various activities. Don't expect to be a perfect spouse or parent. Lower your standards on the home front and accept some degree of disorder around the house.


Do something for yourself

The remarkable thing about taking care of yourself is that it is the most unselfish thing you can do. Have a "just for me" fund of money to spend each month on a new book, some new clothes, a new CD, or some other tangible reward for working so hard at meeting your responsibilities and fulfilling multiple roles. The refreshing benefits of these rewards will increase your tolerance and make you a more giving person.


Moving forward

You don't have to give up the intellectual, emotional, and financial rewards that go with professional success to achieve balance, but there are tradeoffs and tough choices. In bringing greater order and moderation to your life, you will find you can deal more effectively with problems. Your productivity will increase dramatically and you'll gain higher self-esteem and confidence. Most importantly you will have the energy and clarity of mind and spirit to continue to grow towards your full potential.


Balance is not a static condition that you can possess and preserve. It is an activity that you continually engage in as you make mid-course corrections throughout your life. In the next lesson we will explore anger, worry, and the blues, which are the three most common forms of stress. We'll then conclude our course with tips on how to have a great day everyday.
Common forms of stress Everyone suffers from anger, worry and the blues. All of us have a variety of unique ways of dealing them. What do you do when you get angry? Were you able to vent it in a healthy manner? Why or why not? What about when you were overly worried? And when you had the blues? Do you think you can start applying the LifePACT model to them right now? How would you begin?

Lesson 6: Tone: melding your body and spirit

Your body is your vehicle on your journey through life. And Tone is the LifePACT principle of taking care of this vehicle. By developing a proper tone, you'll find the key factors for dealing with the physical demands of managing stress.

Understanding your body's needs

We previously learned the importance of creating an external social network in which to promote our emotional stability and well being. But in order to alleviate the negative effects of stress more comprehensively, you'll also need to take into account the needs of your own body and its internal processes. When you live your life with the belief that your body will never break down, when day after day you neglect your needs for proper nutrition, rest, and exercise, it's only a matter of time before you collide with the iceberg of poor health, burnout, and even premature death.

Your body is your vehicle on your journey through life. And Tone is the LifePACT principle of taking care of this vehicle. By developing a proper tone, you'll find the key factors for dealing with the physical, and thus emotional, demands of managing stress.

The chemistry of stress

Stress is a physiological event. When you are confronted with a demand or change that requires you to cope, physical, chemical, and psychological changes occur. Adrenal and pituitary glands produce ACTH, cortisol, and cortisone. This shot of adrenaline stimulates your heart to pump blood faster and releases stress hormones, making you feel alert and ready for action.

Your arteries constrict and pressure causes blood to go to large muscle groups allowing you to move quickly. Your stomach shuts down and digestion slows. Your liver releases seven times the normal amount of fats, cholesterol, and blood sugars to give you a vast resource of energy that can be tapped upon demand. Your breathing becomes shallow, and your vision and hearing become more acute.

In other words, you are physically and psychologically wired for action! The more often you are stressed, the more frequently this elaborate life-preserving instinct is mobilized. While the principles of perspective, autonomy, and connectedness can bring you some relief, it is tone that goes right to the physical center of your stress.

Tune in to your body

You may be one of the many people who don't even realize that they are carrying a lot of tension in their body. To become more aware when tension is building up, check throughout the day for signals your body sends you. That throbbing headache is one sign. An embarrassing facial tic that starts up when you are in the middle of a conversation is another indicator. Neck aches, hives, clammy hands, and stomach pains all point toward tension buildup. Don't ignore other signs such as tapping your foot, drumming your fingers, or repeatedly jabbing the elevator button.

Let's take a look at some practical ways in which the principle of tone can help you manage both the emotional and physical aspects of stress.

Calming the body: progressive relaxation

Since you cannot be tense and relaxed at the same time, relaxing the muscles of your body is the most direct way of relieving stress. As you learn to relax, you will find that you will have more energy, you will be able to fall asleep more easily, and your sleep will be deeper and more restful. In addition, you'll have a general increase in your mental alertness.

Talking you through the steps

Here's how you can begin to just kick back and let everything go:
First you must schedule at least a half-hour (or even better, a whole hour) in which you can "disappear" each and every day. Then choose a quiet, darkened room where you will not be interrupted. Do not try too hard to relax; allow it to develop. Effort is the opposite of relaxation and relaxation cannot be forced.

You will find it very helpful either to have someone read you the following script or to record it, either in your voice or in the voice of your support person or other loved one:
Take a deep breath. Hold it. (Pause.) Feel it all the way down in your stomach when you exhale. Curl your toes. Hold it. Wait for some tension to develop. (Pause.) Let the tension go. (Pause.) Tighten your calf muscles. Hold it. (Pause.) Relax. Let the tension go. (Pause.) Relax. Tighten your muscles in your thighs and upper legs. (Pause.) Hold it. (Pause.) Relax. Let the tension go. (Pause.) Feel the tension drain out of your upper legs. (Pause.) Relax.
Now tighten your back muscles. Arch your back. Hold it. (Pause.) Relax. Let the tension go. (Pause.) Feel the tension drain out of your back. (Pause.) Relax. Tighten your abdominal muscles by slightly raising the head and slightly raising the feet. Hold it. (Pause.) Relax. Let the tension go. (Pause.) Feel the tension drain out of your abdomen. (Pause.) Relax. Take a deep breath. Hold it. (Pause.) Feel it all the way down in your stomach when you exhale.
Tighten the muscles in your hands. Make a fist with both hands. Hold it. (Pause.) Relax. Let the tension go. (Pause.) Feel the tension drain out of your hands. (Pause.) Relax. Tighten the muscles in your arms. Hold it. (Pause.) Relax. Let the tension go. Feel the tension drain out of your arms. (Pause.) Relax. Tighten the muscles in your shoulders. Hold it. (Pause.) Relax. Let the tension go. (Pause.) Feel the tension drain out of your shoulders. (Pause.) Relax.
Direct your attention to your neck. Raise your head slightly until some tension develops. Hold it. (Pause.) Relax. Let the tension go. (Pause.) Feel the tension drain out of the muscles in your neck. (Pause.) Relax.

Direct your attention to your face. Squint your eyes. Wrinkle your nose. Clench your teeth. Tighten your mouth. Raise your eyebrows. Hold it. (Pause.) Relax. Feel the tension drain out of your face, all the way from your forehead, out from your eyes, out from your nose, out from your cheeks, out from your mouth, out from your lips, out from your tongue, out from your jaw. Let all the tension go. (Pause.) Relax.

Take a deep breath. Exhale and allow the entire body to come to a state of comfortable relaxation. Let any remaining tension drain away. Then let it drain away even more. (Pause.) Feel your entire body relaxed and comfortable and at peace.

If you tighten up your body first, as you did in this exercise, it's easier to recognize relaxation when progressively tightening and then relaxing muscle groups. Your eventual goal, though, is to be able to relax without tightening your muscles first.
This technique can be tailored to a variety of situations and used throughout your day. You can, for example, learn to relax at your desk.

Relax at your desk

Once you are at the office, there are a number of things you can do to mitigate the negative effects of stress.

Wad up a piece of paper in each fist. Squeeze it as hard as you can before releasing.
Spread your fingers and lay them palm down on your desk. Tighten your shoulders and upper back muscles as you push down on the desk.

Bring to mind a serene scene of yourself at the beach or in your backyard hammock. Rest your chin upon your chest. While doing this, open your mouth so your lower jaw droops slightly. Hold this position for about 10 seconds. For obvious reasons, make sure you're alone before trying this.

Perhaps the easiest way to relax is to take three or four deep breaths. Hold each breath and exhale slowly as you say to yourself "Calm" or "Relax."
Make it a point to get up and walk around outside for even a few minutes after or during lunch. Not only will you burn off the calories you have consumed but you will also unwind from the tensions of the morning.

No matter how successful we are in reducing the physical aspects of stress, there will always be times where we feel burned out or run down. Let's see how we can recharge our batteries in order to face yet another day.

Relax in the car

Commuting is particularly stressful. Take advantage of red lights or slow progress by relaxing. Grip your steering wheel as tight as you can, hold that grip for a few seconds, before releasing it. Then grip the top of the steering wheel and pull your body forward. Keep your lower back and buttocks against the back of the seat. Music can be a great help. What type of music do you listen to while driving?

Recharging your batteries

Not only can you relax your body, but you also have the ability to recharge your run-down batteries, too. Here are some tips:

Proper rest

The most underrated epidemic in our society today is sleep deprivation. You're typical if you borrow from your sleep time when you need a few minutes at the end of the day to wrap up a project, finish the laundry, or make a run to the all-night grocery store. If you've ever wondered how important sleep is to you, just watch how you act the day after a sleepless night. Cheating your sleep is an open invitation for stress and all the things that come with it, so be sure to get your rest.

Sleeplessness is a different kind of a problem. Turn your insomnia into an opportunity. Rather than resenting the inability to fall asleep, keep handy a particularly interesting book or magazine and treat yourself to some special reading. Read until you feel drowsy, then allow yourself to drift away.

Exercise

You probably knew this one was coming. Nothing has been more consistently proven as beneficial for dealing with stress than regular exercise. Exercise will build your physical resilience, strengthen your immune system, keep down your weight, and improve your overall enjoyment of life.

You must find a form of exercise that is enjoyable and fairly accessible to you. For some this is walking; for others, it's cycling. Whatever it is, though, you are more likely to stick with it if it is something you enjoy -- something you do only for its own sake. Each of us has a favorite method of exercising. Which do you prefer?

Time alone

Time alone is a great way to recharge. It's a time to read and learn and think and rest. There are a variety of ways for doing this. A participant in one of my workshops reported that he regularly takes a day off from work to spend in his "boat bed." He explained that he would load his bed with videos, magazines, and music. He would take the phone off the hook and either cover or remove the clocks. He would spend the entire day in bed, pretending he was in a boat at sea, alternately reading, enjoying movies and music, or snoozing. He went back to work refreshed and with a new spirit of enthusiasm.

Some people set their alarms to get up one hour earlier in the morning. This gives them a block of time to be alone before the rest of the household is up. They watch the sunrise, read inspirational material, meditate, or just sit and enjoy the silence of a new day.

Cruise control

Regain your composure by taking the car out for a cruise. Drive through new neighborhoods or a park. Go out into the country, put some nice music on the radio, or just meander about town for a while. A good friend remembers the trips he took in his childhood with his father. His face was glued to the window watching the blur of scenery flying by. His father's mission was to just get to the destination. There was never any time to stop along the way to explore an interesting landmark or look around. If you are living your life with the pedal to the metal, take the time to slow down, look around, and smell the flowers along the way.

Moderate your drinking

Alcohol is a drug that, when used in moderation, has many benefits. For many people drinking and socializing go hand in hand. But as you know, alcohol can also be abused. Here are some ideas for using alcohol responsibly:

Start in neutral: Don't have a drink before heading off to a party or reception. That's a trap many couples fall into. While the woman is putting on last-minute make-up, the man mixes himself a drink. Not smart. You'll have plenty of time to drink once you're at the party.
Stop early: Probably the biggest mistake that social drinkers make is not knowing when to stop. You don't have to drink right up to the last call. Set an absolute cut-off time before you go to a party. Drink only nonalcoholic beverages after that.

Start late: The opposite tactic works just as well -- perhaps better. Come to the party late, and don't start drinking the minute you get there. You might want to establish a new routine for yourself by setting a time of day before which you will absolutely not have a drink.
Switch on and off: To dilute alcohol's affects, drink an eight-ounce glass of water before each drink.

Someone's watching you: A good way to keep yourself from having too much is to remind yourself constantly of your professional stature. While you may forget it momentarily at a party, others won't. Always maintain a professional decorum.

Set the tone: If you want to avoid a boozy meal, take the initiative when the waiter comes to the table. Order a Perrier or a wine spritzer. That way you may feel less conspicuous if everyone else has ordered liquor before it's your turn to order.

Keep it light and make it festive: In some cases, you may just feel like having something a little stronger than soda water. If so, be sensible about it. You don't have to order a drink that's going to knock your socks off. A light beer may be a better idea.

While we are on the subject of watching your drinking, caffeine's another drug you should moderate. If you get headaches when you miss your coffee, you are probably addicted. The caffeine in coffee, tea, colas, and chocolate is a strong stimulant that causes your body to be stressed.

Cut down gradually over a three-week period, perhaps eliminating one cup of coffee each day. Then see what you feel like without it for a while. Either moderate your caffeine consumption or eliminate caffeine altogether. You'll feel more relaxed, sleep better, feel less jittery throughout the day, and have more energy.

Laugh and play

Do you remember your favorite toy or the games you played as a child? Hide-and-seek was one of my favorites. I still play it with my children today. Watching children at play can teach you some things you may have forgotten. When my daughter is outside playing, she stops to examine whatever catches her eye. Children seem oblivious of time when active. They operate on what is called "event time." Things happen when they happen.

Laughter is one of the most effective ways to manage stress. Cultivate the habit of taking yourself less seriously and you will find you have less stress. There is scientific proof of the stress-reducing impact of laughter. Laughter can even help you boost your immune system. This, in turn, means that you will be less prone to colds and flu.

Moving forward

Bottling up your intense feelings leads to both emotional and physical pressure. And, whether you are aware of this pressure or not, it must be dealt with and dissipated. If you don't, you are setting yourself up to becoming a "time bomb," ready to go off at any second when another stressor, no matter how small, occurs.

Tone will help you take care of your body, which is the vehicle that takes you on your journey through life. The tips in this lesson were designed to help you develop a proper tone so you can overcome the tension in your body and achieve a state of physical relaxation and emotional ease. In the next lesson we will learn how to put the LifePACT model's principles of perspective, autonomy, connectedness and tone together to balance all of the personal and professional demands besetting you.

Mental grazing

Some people have improved their lives by replacing the traditional three large daily meals with several small ones. It's called grazing. Why not nurture your mental health the same way? Throughout the day, set aside some time to sit and be quiet for a few minutes. Don't wait until your body tells you that it's tense

Lesson 5: Connectedness: managing your heart

To manage your heart is to manage your place in the community of fellow humans with whom you live out your life. Today we'll learn how to strengthen connections with your community, including becoming assertive and dealing with difficult people.


Learning to be assertive

Now you know that, in order to develop your newfound sense of autonomy, you'll need to identify and then bolster good habits in the public behaviors of problem solving and action. The major element of this LifePACT principle is dealing with bad forms of procrastination in a productive rather than a destructive manner. No matter what your reasons for procrastinating, by approaching tasks systematically and with reasonable goals, you'll be able to find significant relief from this stressor.


You were also introduced to connectedness, which is the third LifePACT principle. Managing stress through quality relationships with supportive people you enjoy spending time with is an extremely powerful tool. In this lesson, we'll learn how to deal with difficult people and build a network of intimate connections and healthy relationships. But first, let's take a look at becoming assertive -- without being overly aggressive or defensive.


Identifying non-assertive tendencies

If reaching out to others is difficult for you, it may be because you're not being assertive enough. So let's begin our discussion of connectedness by looking at an example of non-assertiveness that most of us can relate to:

The elaborate dinner Stacie made for herself and Carlos has grown cold. Instead of being home at 7:00 as promised, Carlos has finally arrived at 10:30 -- the third time in two weeks that he has gotten home from work late. It's also the third time he has failed to let her know that he would be delayed. Stacie feels hurt and angry as she reheats the dinner and prepares the table. But she bottles it all up inside, thinking, "I should complain, but I don't want him to feel I'm being petty."

Sound familiar?


Reaching out to others

Assertiveness is the quiet, purposeful expression of your feelings without being aggressive or defensive and in a manner and tone so as to indicate that you are not about to be manipulated, bullied, or cajoled. Instead of labeling other individuals or attacking their opinions, assertive people rationally express all of the feelings that need to be expressed. In other words, they avoid accumulating, or "bottling up," inner tensions.

Opportunities are lost when people bottle up their emotions, and unpleasant situations soon become intolerable. In time, bad feelings can build to a point where one more event can trigger an explosion of resentment that in turn provokes criticism or rejection. Research has shown that most people can be assertive in some situations while being ineffectual in others. Becoming assertive on a full-time basis entails a long learning process. Therefore, you can learn to become as assertive as you wish, depending upon the time and effort that you are willing to invest in acquiring the necessary skills.


Here are some tips for helping you improve your assertiveness:

Keep track of your assertiveness: Keep a log or diary for a week. Record each day those situations in which you found yourself responding assertively, those in which you "blew it," and those you avoided altogether so that you would not have to feel uncomfortable. This will not only help you identify patterns in your behavior but also help chart your progress as an assertive being.


Set realistic goals: Be conservative in the goals you set. Especially in the beginning, you'll need a lot of reinforcement to maintain efforts to improve your interpersonal skills. So be sure to start with a small, low-risk step to maximize your chances of success.

Rehearse before you act: If possible, think about how you plan to handle a particular situation before actually entering that situation. To do this, spend a few minutes getting yourself calm. Then, as vividly as you can, imagine yourself going through the steps of dealing with the person with whom you wish to be assertive. Include in your fantasy the feelings of tension and nervousness that are likely, as well as the thoughts that you will probably have. Follow the image all the way up to the point where you feel good about having handled the person so effectively.

Reach out: Make it a point, as you go through your day, of expressing warm and friendly feelings to the people that you encounter. People trying to improve their interpersonal effectiveness often overlook this highly assertive behavior. A hug, a compliment, a warm, firm handshake conveys to people the message, "You mean a great deal to me at this moment."

Anticipate reactions: Your new patterns of assertiveness and confidence may be upsetting to people who are accustomed to a more passive you. When this happens, it sometimes is helpful to recreate in your mind the exchange that the other person took as offensive. Perhaps in your attempt to be assertive, you went into the aggressive end of behavior. This is not at all uncommon, so don't be dismayed by this. You may even realize that you're experiencing another's surprised reaction to the newly confident you!

Take care of yourself: Become an advocate for yourself. Don't put up with putting yourself down. The human machine works best when uncluttered with negative material. It's OK to be a fair judge of your own behavior, but don't go overboard in the process. Start catching yourself when you engage in self-put-down behavior. Replace these messages immediately with positive, self-confident ones.

Expect lapses: Don't get discouraged if, after a few weeks of doing well, you find yourself slipping into some of your old habits again. That is pretty typical of most people learning any new skill. Simply learn what you can from these slips and get back on the program.
By developing a proactive and assertive self you'll be able to create and foster a supportive social network. As we'll see in the next section, assertiveness can help you deal with difficult people while also furthering intimate connections

Assertiveness training information

The Internet is a handy weapon on your quest to becoming an assertive but sociable individual. Psychology Information Online (http://psychologyinfo.com/treatment/assertiveness.html) is a font of information. Also, try the archive for assertiveness training information at Selfgrowth.com (http://www.selfgrowth.com/assert.html)


Dealing with difficult people and building intimate connections

There is a dark side of interpersonal relationships as well. While people can be supportive and nurturing, they can also be difficult and draining. These difficult people are everywhere. Any occupation or activity that involves interacting with a group has the potential to lead to interpersonal stress.

A difficult person is anyone who evokes in you a negative emotion such as anger, guilt, sadness, or anxiety. The problem needing to be fixed is a negative emotion, which has been evoked by a gap between how we want things to be and how they actually are. The goal is to alleviate the negative feeling by closing the gap between what we want and what we have.

One way to do this is to adjust our expectations so that they are more in line with what we are experiencing. Another approach is to accept the negative feelings and move on to someone or something else. A third, but less effective, option is to try to change the behavior of the other person so they begin to behave like we would like them to behave.

Skillfulness in dealing with the difficult is a seamless meshing of the private victory of self-management and the public victory of effectively relating to others. Here are some tips on dealing with difficult people:


Keep difficult people in perspective: Don't dignify their behavior by taking them too seriously. Their offensive behavior is their problem, not yours. Don't allow them to ruin your mood.

Don't expect them to change: They usually won't. In a way, that's good. Because they are more predictable, you can plan ahead and prepare your tactics for the next time you meet.

Respond as well as listen: Come forward and state that you feel upset, annoyed, or enraged. No one can read your mind. Sometimes the offense is unintentional and easily resolved.

Manage yourself first: Take control of yourself if you find your feelings getting too intense. Go somewhere to vent your feelings and cool off. Think about the result you want. That will help you let go of the hurt.

Stay calm and unemotional: Be straightforward and matter-of-fact. The more you do this, the more respect you'll gain. Don't continue a conversation with anyone who refuses to give you the courtesy you deserve. Remember that you have options, such as asking for politeness or leaving the room.

Be gracious: Someone else's rudeness doesn't give you the right to be rude. You can turn a bad situation to your advantage by disarming the offenders with the kind of kindness you'd like to be shown and allowing others to feel important.

Give and request feedback: Don't stew about what someone else is thinking -- ask. Use open-ended questions to let emotional people vent their feelings before you try to reason with them. When you link your objectives with another's wants, you both will win something.

Be patient with yourself: Let your goal be to become a human relations expert. Look at each exchange, whether good or bad, as a new lesson in your course on how to deal with others. Distance yourself from the fray in highly charged situations and marvel at the fascinating complexity and variety of human behavior.

Become a role model: Let your day-to-day behavior be an example to others of the value and power of assertive respect and dignity in interpersonal dealings. Others will grow to admire, respect, and recognize you for the personal power you possess.

Although becoming an assertive social being is not an easy task, always remember that you have an entire lifetime in which you can continue to improve. Next, let's see how we can begin to build intimate connections with others.


Intimate connections

Perhaps the most important connection you will make is with a life partner. What follows are several characteristics common to most good intimate relationships:

• Both partners feel they are getting most of what they want from the relationship.
• Both partners are productive in ways that are important to them as individuals. Some experience individual productiveness through professional careers or hobbies. Others experience it by being in charge of the home and family.
• Both partners are comfortable about sharing their satisfactions with one another, now as well as in times to come.
• Both partners are comfortable about sharing the tasks and trials that are unpleasant to the other.
• Both partners get satisfaction from being supportive to each other.
• Both partners have the ability and willingness to adapt to the never-ending changes and circumstances that affect the relationship.
  

Now that we know what to look for in a supportive, loving and truly intimate relationship, let's see how we can begin to nurture a healthy network of friends and family.


Fostering healthy relationships

A rewarding relationship doesn't just happen. It requires skill and commitment. Merely staying together won't strengthen your feelings for each other. It requires daily effort. The following tips have proven to assist other couples:

• Encourage each other often: Make it a practice to encourage your partner daily. Nobody ever gets enough positive feedback. It seems simple, but the most common complaint among couples is that each is not appreciated by the other. In lasting relationships, partners make an effort to value and encourage one another.
• Communicate openly and honestly: Be open and willing to share your thoughts and feelings, as well as to listen to your partner. Since sharing is more appropriate at certain times than others, sometimes it is wise to postpone a discussion.
• Deal with conflict: Life involves conflict. In healthy relationships, couples can manage and respond to conflict in effective ways. Believe that you can work out your problems together. Then invest the time and do it.
• Develop the courage to be imperfect: Be willing to apologize. The forgiveness process should not dwell on the past but focus on "Where do we go from here?"
• Support each other fully: Provide consistent and dependable support. Learn to suspend judgment and provide encouragement even when your partner's goals temporarily conflict with your best interests.
• Develop regular times for fun each week: Schedule time to be alone with each other. Fun should be a weekly, even a daily, activity.
• Manage your relationship: Hold partners' meetings. Prepare a short agenda of things you want to discuss. This can range from decisions that have to be made, plans that have to be confirmed, or anything that may be bothering either one of you. Renegotiate agreements around partner issues that may have unraveled or for which circumstances have changed.
• Develop shared dreams, goals, and interests: Shared dreams and interests provide opportunity for conversation and mutual enjoyment. Couples with shared goals are less disturbed by minor or major crises.
• Be self-accepting: The more you accept yourself, the more you will accept your partner. Mutual self-acceptance promotes both personal growth and growth of the relationship.
• Adopt realistic expectations: Society fosters unrealistic, romantic expectations of relationships. Even in the best relationships some dreams and expectations go unfulfilled. Always be honest and realistic with yourself when assessing relationships.
• Protect your investment: Think of your relationship as a highly valued enterprise. Nurture a relationship by giving it the time and attention it needs to grow. Since there's so much at stake, also be willing to repair it when it needs fixing.
  

Supportive relationships are created. They don't just happen. They take effort and compromise.

How to build your social network

Here are three steps you can take to achieve rewarding connections with others:

The first step: learning to like yourself

Stop abusing and neglecting yourself and start treating yourself in a more loving and responsible way. Make a commitment to get creatively and productively involved in life. Give up the habit of putting yourself down and learn to think about yourself in a more realistic and compassionate manner. Get rid of certain self-defeating attitudes and develop a healthier and more positive personal value system. Look attractive. Make yourself look terrific. Think attractive. Think about yourself in a positive way. Stop saying, "I can't."

The second step: getting organized

Think of things you used to enjoy doing in the past. Why don't you do them now? Do something you've been putting off doing, such as balancing your checkbook, writing letters, etc. Do something for self-improvement, such as dieting, jogging, or exercising. Develop a talent or skill. Start a hobby. When you begin thinking along these lines, you'll realize that your options are endless.
But don't wait until you feel like it before acting. Make a schedule of what you want to do and keep to it. This will give you things to look forward to and counteract the tendency to sit around and feel bad.

The third step: reaching out

Do something for others. Get involved in charitable activities or volunteer work. Think of people in your neighborhood who are lonely, ill, or troubled and then do something for them.

Moving forward

Connectedness is the skill of managing your heart. To manage your heart is to manage your place in the community of fellow human beings with whom you live your life. The first step in this learning process is to become assertive. By reaching out to others, you'll not only be able to deal with difficult people, but you'll also be able to build quality relationships as well.
Anything unfamiliar to you will seem awkward and unnatural at first. Overcome the tendency to avoid risk-taking in initiating social contacts and go where all the people are. Practice smiling. During the next week, smile at a minimum of three strangers a day. Practice saying hello. Once you're comfortable with smiling at strangers, start saying hello to them. Begin by smiling and saying hello to three strangers every day for the first week. Give compliments. To begin with, give ten compliments in the first week.

In Lesson 6 we'll see that, in addition to the above, you'll be able to deal with the physical aspects of stress by toning your body.

Barriers to successful relationships To move toward better relationships, partners must imagine and specifically define what the new and happier relationship will be like before acting. There are many barriers to completing this process, including pride, anxiety about -- and an inherent resistance to -- change, and a simple lack of skill in creating desired relationships. Which barriers are hindering you? How might assertiveness help you eliminate these barriers from your life?

Lesson 4: Autonomy: managing your hands

This lesson takes a closer look at the major element of autonomy -- identifying and then dealing with procrastination. Then we'll introduce the third LifePACT principle: connectedness, the skill of managing your heart.


Putting autonomy into practice


In the previous lesson we learned that our habits fall into one of two categories, public or private. We learned that perspective is the LifePACT principle of managing stress by directing your private habits of thought and expectation. We were also introduced to the second LifePACT principle: Autonomy, which concerns developing habits in the public behaviors of problem solving and action.

As we saw at the end of Lesson 2, Jake only exacerbated his stress. If he had perspective and practiced autonomy, he would have known that competent problem-solving begins with being able to distinguish between things that can be fixed and things that cannot be fixed. Before discussing connectedness, the third LifePACT principle, let's take a closer look at the major element of autonomy -- identifying and then dealing with procrastination.


Procrastination

Procrastination is the habit of putting off until later something that could be done now. It is a form of poor problem solving that can lead to needless stress. According to noted time-management expert David Allen, unfinished tasks are stressful because they lead to mind clutter. When you tell yourself you ought to do something and then don't do it, you don't quit thinking about it. The task that you haven't performed occupies your attention like the remains of a smashed grasshopper on your windshield.

Soon you feel overwhelmed, depressed, and discouraged. But, because the things you postpone accumulate, besides these emotional consequences there are a number of practical ones as well. Procrastination can eventually lead to a number of problems with friends, employers, spouses, and others.

The causes of procrastination are varied. For some people it may be the pressures of a difficult schedule. For others it may be an aversion to mundane or boring tasks. Here are some of the more common reasons people procrastinate:

Depression: When you are depressed, any activity will seem pointless. In the extreme, you may come to the conclusion that nothing you do will ever be able to make you feel better.

Overload: You can overload yourself into not wanting to do anything. You may assume you have to do everything at once, or you may assume that you have to carry out a huge task to completion before stopping.

The "I can't" habit: You automatically assume that you are incapable of performing some task. So, as soon as the thought of doing it comes to mind, you quickly snuff it out with "I can't" or "I would, but . . . I just can't."

Self-labeling: If you've been procrastinating for a while, you may have accepted the label "lazy" or "procrastinator." This leads to expecting little of yourself and serves to justify old patterns.

No payoff: You may procrastinate not because the task is hard but because you simply don't feel the reward is worth the work.

Perfectionism: You put off doing things because you have goals and expectations that won't let you settle for anything less than a magnificent performance.

Fear of failure: You imagine that putting in the effort and not succeeding would be an overwhelming personal defeat, so you refuse to try at all.

Fear of success: You feel that your accomplishments will raise expectations that you can't meet, or you fear that people will make greater demands on you, which you then must meet.

Fear of disapproval: You fear that a mistake or flub will provoke criticism from others. You can also fear rejection when asserting yourself in a stressful situation.

Coercion resentment: You feel intense pressure from within and without to perform. Thoughts of "should" and "must" and "have no other choice but to" only make you feel obliged, resentful, and tense.

Low frustration tolerance: You assume that life and reaching your goals should be easy. You react against the "unfairness" of things being difficult or unpleasant by giving up or not taking on tasks.

Guilt and self-blame: You are frozen in the conviction that you are bad or have let others down. This leads to not feeling motivated or wanting to do anything.
Next, let's learn how we can stop procrastination.


Rehearsing to avoid negative reactions

When overwhelmed by emotion, we have an overpowering urge to do something immediately. But every time you tackle a problem impulsively, you set yourself up for needless stress. In this lesson's assignment, you'll learn a method to stop the upsetting effects of impulsive behavior by taking a "time out" to formulate healthy responses to stressful situations

A step in the right direction

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How to stop procrastination

If there is something that you've thought about needing to do but haven't done yet, chances are that it's eating at you. You've got to get that item off your mind. Since procrastination is a habit, it can be changed like any other habit. By approaching tasks systematically and with reasonable goals, most people can expect to find significant relief from their looming problems. The following tips will also help you achieve this goal:

Positive payoff method: "What do I really enjoy doing?" The answer might be talking to a friend, reading the paper, or listening to music. After selecting this enjoyment, make a contract with yourself to keep doing the postponed project a minimum number of times or length of time each day. Only reward yourself with the enjoyable thing after you have worked on the project. No excuses.

Set time method: Setting a precise time for doing something can help a lot. For example, forcing yourself to exercise first thing in the morning could result in a habitual routine of exercise.

Visualization method: Go anywhere to be alone. Close your eyes, completely relax, and put all distracting thoughts out of your mind. When you're fully relaxed, think of completing a task that you have been postponing. Try to visualize in every detail the carrying out of that task.

Friendly partner method: Enlist the help of another person to assist you. If you find studying difficult, join a friend who doesn't have an aversion to studying. By associating with someone who, simply by completing the task, is a good example, you will be more likely to tackle an unpleasant task.

Billboards method: This method requires posting little reminders around your office or home to keep the idea of doing something on your mind. For example, "DOING GETS IT DONE" or "DO IT NOW."

Public commitment: Any task has a greater chance of being completed when you formally commit yourself to doing it. You will be more likely to work on losing 10 pounds, quitting smoking, or writing a book if you make a promise to do it to a friend, a spouse, an employer, or someone else you respect and trust.

The five-minute plan: In the five-minute plan, you agree to start a project and to stay with it for at least five minutes. At the end of that time period, you ask yourself whether you will continue for another five minutes. You don't have to work beyond the original time period, but once the inertia builds you may find yourself wanting to.

Greedy partner method: This is a variation of the friendly partner method. In this instance, you contract with a friend to call you any time during a prescribed interval. If at the time of the call you are not doing a specified task, your friend wins lunch or some other prize.


Good procrastination?

A popular misconception about procrastination is the belief that all forms of procrastination are bad. But the only kind of procrastination that is problematic is the kind that has negative consequences. There are some situations in which procrastination is a good idea, including the following:

Energy shortage: You're too tired or overextended. If you went ahead with a task under such conditions, you'd probably use bad judgment, make a poor decision, or simply end up having to do the job all over again. Acknowledge your limits and take time out when you are frazzled.

Knowledge shortage: You don't have enough information to start or finish a project. Going ahead without it could mean wasted effort in the wrong direction, such as filling out your tax return for a fast refund without having all the documentation you need.

Trigger-happiness: You have a tendency to act impulsively. If you're angry with your boss and you really want to go in and argue with her, putting off a meeting for a few days will give you time to cool down and avoid a potentially self-destructive encounter. Similarly, if someone asks you to do something for him and you always say, "Sure," without evaluating whether you can or want to do it, tell the person, "Let me check my calendar and call you back." Putting off an immediate answer can save you from stress later.

Subconscious avoidance: You find that you consistently put off action in a specific situation. Your delay may be a subconscious signal to "rethink" your involvement. If you're putting off sending a job application, you may not really want the job. Or if you don't want to call a boyfriend or girlfriend after repeated messages from him or her, maybe you're ambivalent about pursuing the relationship. Asking yourself, "Is this what I really want to do?" can help if the required action just doesn't feel "right."


Always remember that autonomy is the principle of managing the stress in your life by sizing up the problems that come your way, fixing those problems that you can fix, and accepting the problems that you cannot. If you are frequently not getting what you want in life, it may not be that you aren't trying or aren't doing the right things. It could be that the battles you're waging are not winnable.


Be honest with yourself

It sometimes takes a lot of frank honesty for an individual to distinguish between problematic procrastination and healthy postponement. One way of determining whether or not you have a valid reason for putting something off is to take a piece of paper and list the advantages and disadvantages of doing the pending task immediately. The longer of the two lists will be an objective basis for taking the proper action.


Introducing the third LifePACT principle

In a Psychology Today editorial, Robert Epstein tells about a treasure hidden in a beat-up walnut desk in the Old Executive Office Building in Washington, DC. Nicks and gouges are clearly visible despite several heavy coats of lacquer. But it deserves to look worn out. For years it served a succession of American presidents and vice presidents. That fact alone makes it worthy of respect.

However, for those who take the time to look beyond the external flaws of this venerable old piece of furniture, a quaint secret awaits discovery. In the softwood of the main drawer are the signatures of all the officials who have ever sat at the desk, including Harry Truman, Richard Nixon, Al Gore, and Hubert Humphrey. Imperfect on the outside, this worn out desk is a lot like the people in our lives. After taking the time to look more closely, you'll be able to find something unique inside.

Connectedness is the LifePACT principle of managing stress through quality relationships with other people. Supportive relationships with others reveal the treasures hidden in them. More importantly, relationships with others will reveal the many treasures that are hidden within you.

People need people

You benefit in many ways from social contact. Other people act as support while you unload the baggage of hurts and distress. Many times all you need is a sympathetic ear. By hearing yourself speak, you'll gain a new perspective. Frustrations and fears seem less intimidating when they have been aired in the presence of another person. Support from others emboldens you to confront situations that you might otherwise avoid.

People who have a number of contacts and an effective support network usually do best with change and challenges. There are relatively few things in life that you need to go through alone. Reach out to others in times of uncertainty and stress. People can help by being a resource for relevant information, emotional support, perspective, distraction, fun, and alternative solutions.
Different people can meet different needs. Family, friends and co-workers are all able to meet different needs, but no one person can meet them all. Building supportive relationships means spending more time with friends you want to know better and letting them know increasingly more intimate things about yourself -- your likes and dislikes, your fears and goals, etc.

Connectedness also means disclosing increasingly more personal information when you sense that the other person is willing to do so as well. Finally, building supportive relationships means that you, too, provide a supportive ear. True support is built on a foundation of active listening and mutual self-disclosure.

If you don't have a network of people who can meet these needs, it may be because you have difficulty in reaching out for help. You may believe that you will be considered weak or dumb if you don't do everything on your own. An attitude of rugged individualism may have worked for you in the past, but it's out of date in this age of interdependence. The image of the fearless entrepreneur who faces impossible odds in a solitary quest for success is a myth. Talk to successful business owners and they will tell you there are no self-made millionaires. Nobody succeeds without the assistance of mentors, advisors, and supporters.


Moving forward

Autonomy solves problems by helping you distinguish between things that can be fixed and those things that are out of your control. Procrastination, on the other hand, is a form of poor problem solving. By procrastinating for no good reason, you are only postponing the inevitable. In fact, you may be exacerbating an already stressful situation. It not only can make you feel overwhelmed and depressed and discouraged, but it can also lead to any number of problems with the people in your life. But, since procrastination is a habit, it can be changed like any other habit. As we learned in this lesson, most people can expect to find significant relief from procrastination by approaching problems and tasks both systematically and with reasonable goals.

You also learned about connectedness, which is the third LifePACT principle. Connectedness is the skill of managing your heart. To manage your heart is to manage your place in the community of fellow humans with whom you live out your life. In Lesson 5, we'll see how to build quality relationships with other people.


Evaluating your social network

Take stock of your social network by making several lists. Who do you see when you have a problem? When you want to socialize or be challenged? Who do you go to when you want acceptance and approval or good advice? When you want to learn something new, feel better about yourself, or simply to learn what's going on? Does one of these lists look skimpier than the others? How can this be rectified?


Autonomy: managing your hands assignment

Assignments are designed to help you apply the information learned in the lessons.


Rehearsing to avoid negative reactions

It is not easy to work on the bad habit of reacting impulsively to stressful situations. When you are overwhelmed by emotion, there is an overpowering urge to do something immediately. But every time you tackle a problem in this way, you're setting yourself up for needless stress. Here's a good way to put a stop to this kind of impulsive behavior: in moments when you are not particularly upset, rehearse how you want to behave when you are upset.


To do this, take a "time out" and finish each of these three statements: When I _____ , to avoid _____ , I will _____ .


Let's give it a try by applying these statements to the following episode: Barbara has the bad habit of binge eating whenever she is having conflicts with her boyfriend.

How would you help her finish each of these three statements?

1. When I am having a conflict with my partner, I start to feel sad and upset and sorry for myself, and I begin thinking, "What's the use, I owe it to myself to indulge myself a little . . ."

2. To avoid eating until I make myself sick, then feeling guilty and even worse than I did before I started eating, and gaining extra pounds which are hard to lose, I'll . . .

3. I will ask my partner, as soon as I notice we are arguing, to help us not fight. If he doesn't agree, then I will . . .

Lesson 3: Perspective: manage your mind

Lesson 3: Perspective: manage your mind

Now that you understand some basics, you'll begin your transformation into a self-affirming individual with a closer examination of the first element of the LifePACT model: perspective. We'll also touch on the second element of autonomy.


Managing your mind with good habits

Habits can be useful. When you operate habitually, you need to be only half-focusing on what you are doing because your habits are doing the other half of the thinking. When they yield good consequences, they are called good habits. Washing your hands before eating -- that's a good practice. But if you do it every two minutes, you have a bad habit.

Habits fall into two categories: Public habits are behaviors that are visible to others while private habits are habits of thought. Perspective is the LifePACT principle of managing stress by directing your private habits of thought and expectation. Your private thoughts play such a key part in day-to-day stresses that they are actually a better predictor of the amount of stress something will elicit than the actual stressful events themselves.


Making false readings

What this means is that much of the stress you experience is the direct result of losing perspective, or putting an irrational spin on what is happening in your life. If you are experiencing a lot of stress, chances are very good that you have cultivated private habits of thought that are making your life more hassled than it is has to be. Irrational patterns of thinking are so common that psychologists have come up with names for them all of us can recognize, including " overgeneralizing ," " catastrophizing ," "jumping to conclusions," and "pleasing others." We'll take a closer look at these bad habits in this lesson's assignment.
Imagine that your thoughts are like the dials on the dashboard of your car. If the temperature gauge registers that your car is overheating, you are going to pull over as soon as you can to have it checked. If the oil light goes on, you'll do something right away to ensure no serious damage is done. So you take it in and the mechanic tells you, "Your car is fine. I think that gauge needs replacing because it's giving you a false reading."


The same can be true of your mind. To gain perspective, you'll need to replace bad habits of thinking with more constructive habits. While going through the initial stages of this process, you may not have the presence of mind to stop an irrational thought before it has elicited in you a stressful reaction. You'll probably find yourself doing more cleaning up after the damage has been done rather than preventing it from happening.

But you will also become aware of the negative feelings and habits, and you can use this awareness as a signal to hunt out and replace destructive thoughts with more constructive thoughts. And, as your skill level with this technique grows, you'll be able to nip crooked thoughts in the bud. Let's now see how we can begin to master our private thoughts and habits.
Getting swept away by it all

Why do we allow our thoughts to sweep us away? What you see happening is the force of habit. Your thoughts are automatic. They pass through your mind so quickly that you may not even be aware that anything took place. You are aware, however, of the debris of negative feelings and behavior they leave in their wake. Think about a recent stressful event. Can you identify any bad habits that arose in your reaction?


Getting perspective

While unforeseen accidents are likely to happen, rather than panicking and making the situation worse, you can protect yourself with services that will help you get back on your feet as soon as possible

Mastering your thoughts

I recommend the following four steps for gaining control of a situation in which your private thoughts are likely to give you false readings:


Step #1: What am I telling myself?
As soon as you find yourself getting tense, stop and reflect on what your thoughts are telling you about the situation. The best way to do this is to take out a piece of paper and start jotting down all the ideas that come to mind.


Step #2: Is my self-talk helping?
Seriously consider whether the way you are sizing up a situation is really constructive or destructive. In other words, what are you gaining and losing in looking at things in your habitual way?


Step #3: What constructive thoughts can I use in place of my negative thoughts?
In this step, you are inviting other perspectives into your mind. It helps at this point to label your irrational thoughts. Are you making a mountain out of a molehill? Ask yourself if things are really all that bad, and answer truthfully. Jumping to conclusions? Offer yourself some alternative explanations for what has happened.


Step #4: How can I behave in a way that is consistent with these positive thoughts?
This final step is a powerful way to regain composure. In effect, act like you want to feel. If you want to feel calm and composed, act like a calm and composed person. Your body will be getting the message to maintain control from two sources: Your well-reasoned thoughts about the situation and the signals from your behavior that everything is under control.

Let's look at how you can apply these four steps to an actual stressful situation.


Applying these steps

Let's put ourselves in Gayle's shoes. She's been on a diet for several months. Lately it hasn't gone very well, and she has exceeded her calorie limit more than a couple of times. Gayle suspects that the culprit (trigger) is her fear that she will not meet her weight loss goal by the time she takes the vacation she has been planning for months. Gayle wants to turn off this mounting pressure, but doesn't know how.


What would do if you were Gayle?

Step #1: What am I telling myself? "If you don't start losing weight faster, you won't be thin enough for your trip to Hawaii and everything will be ruined."

Step #2: Is my self-talk helping? Definitely not. This pressure is making me feel anxious, which means I eat more. I'm seeing myself as a failure. And I'm getting irritable with my kids, which is unfair. Pressuring myself is making me gain weight, not lose it.

Step #3: What constructive thoughts can I use in place of my negative thoughts? I will allow myself to take my time. Even if I go to Hawaii at this weight, I'll still have fun. I'll start losing weight again anyway. I shouldn't catastrophize because it's not the end of the world.

Step #4: How can I now behave in a way that is consistent with these positive thoughts? You know what, since this self-punishment is very depressing and counterproductive, I'm going to take a nice long walk tonight. Plus, I'll do something for myself tomorrow by buying that nice sweater I've been eyeing.

Progressing through your thoughts in a logical manner is a very powerful technique, and you'll find that it plays a major role in managing stress. Because your thoughts help define your perspective (that is, your external actions and internal reactions), it is important to take note of inaccurate or unreasonable thoughts that may contribute to stress. Awareness of what you are saying to yourself and why is important in stopping the stress that is manufactured by irrational thoughts. Equally important is your skill in countering self-defeating thoughts with more constructive rebuttals.

These four steps will help you achieve this goal. So will the LifePACT model's second principle, autonomy, which we'll introduce next before discussing it in greater depth in Lesson 4.


Feeding yourself positive thoughts

Your irrational thoughts and their impact on your stress response are better controlled when they are caught early. Let them go unchecked and you will find yourself overwhelmed with intense feelings that are disproportionate to the event that you are responding to. You are what you think. Feed yourself positive thoughts and you will be a positive person

Introducing the second LifePACT principle

When you accept that problems and frustrations and disappointments are inevitable in this world, then life becomes more enjoyable. By practicing the second LifePACT principle, Autonomy, and replacing "Why is this happening to me?" with "What can I do about what is happening to me?" you will move from feeling victimized by life to taking charge of your life.
We saw earlier that perspective is developing constructive habits in the private behaviors of our thoughts. Autonomy is developing habits in the public behaviors of problem solving and action. The first step toward achieving autonomy is recognizing that there are only two ways in which life can be stressful: When you don't get what you want, and when you get what you don't want.


A quick example

Let's say that Bob's boss gave him a really great performance appraisal session last month. Bob was also led to expect a six-percent salary increase, and he had begun to plan on it. He opens up his salary statement expecting to see the increase but there is no increase. Obviously Bob didn't get what he wanted, but how does he react?

Depending on the spin or perspective Bob puts on this event, his private thoughts and feelings can range from mild disappointment to outrage. But in and of themselves, these thoughts and feelings will change nothing. The basic fact of the situation remains: He didn't get the raise. That's a problem. What should Bob do? Should he accept this reality without question? Should he appeal? Should he seek more information? What's Bob's next step?
When you start asking yourself these questions, you begin to invoke the principle of autonomy. In other words, you are on the way to becoming a problem solver.


Making autonomous decisions

Finding a suitable life partner, for instance, is an important developmental task. There are two correct decisions you can make: You can either choose the right person or you can not choose the wrong person. Likewise, there are two ways of making a mistake: You can choose the wrong person or you can not choose the right person.

I am oversimplifying things, of course. Relationship success is more than a single decision. The point is that every act of problem solving is basically choosing a course of action. There are things you can change even though you think you can't. There are things you can't change, even though you think you can. Competent problem solving is being able to distinguish between things that can be fixed and those things that are out of your control. Let's take a look at another example.

Jake arrives at work completely worn out. Last night, his next-door neighbor had a wild, drunken party at his house, keeping him up all night. The neighbor is a blustering, disagreeable man who has no consideration for others. When Jake called him at about 3:00 a.m. and asked him to be less noisy, the neighbor was abusive and insulting. Things quieted down later on, but when Jake finally got some rest, he overslept. Because of this, he skips breakfast and hurries to work.

As he is leaving the house he notices that someone has driven a car across one corner of his lawn and torn out several feet of his new hedge. Jake is sure it was either the neighbor or one of his drunken guests. Jake storms up to the neighbor's door and demands an explanation. The neighbor denies everything and then tells Jake to get off his property. When Jake gets to work, he is more than an hour late, and his nerves are so ragged he is actually shaking. Every conceivable thing has gone wrong.

To evaluate the quality of problem solving exhibited by Jake in this slice of his life, let's consider the problems he chose to deal with and those he chose not to deal with:
Jake chose to confront the neighbor at 3:00 am. Was that a good decision? We know the neighbor is a "blustering, disagreeable man who has no consideration for others." There's little surprise in the outcome of that confrontation. On the other hand, instead of taking steps to wake up on time, Jake oversleeps. What's more, he could have eaten, but he chose to skip breakfast. So, now, stressed about being late and, on an empty stomach, he makes another run at the neighbor.

Based on this example, Jake is not a competent problem solver.


Moving forward

As you now know, perspective is the LifePACT principle of managing stress by directing your private habits of thought and expectation. Much of the stress you experience is the direct result of losing perspective, or putting an irrational spin, on what is happening in your life. By following the four steps we discussed above, you'll be able to gain control of a situation in which your private thoughts are likely to give you false readings that only lead to unhealthy levels of stress.
We were also introduced to autonomy, which is developing habits in the public behaviors of problem solving and action. In the next lesson, we'll take a closer look at this LifePACT principle, including rehearsing to avoid negative reactions and recognizing then stopping procrastination